Starmer: 'Stop the boats... full of Tory defectors'

Keir Starmer – the answer to the question who would finish third in a Keir Starmer lookalike competition, behind a Keir Starmer cardboard cutout and a Henry Hoover with print out of Keir Starmer’s face stuck on – has been forced to clamp down on the sheer number of Tory defectors to Labour.

One Labour MP said 'Most Tory MPs are sociopathically addicted to power and so have no problem changing parties in their lust for control. These Tory immigrants are arriving in small boats, sailing across the floor of the House of Commons. We could deport them to Rwanda for processing, but apparently, "that’s illegal". Boooooooring.'

'The Tories say we should leave the ECHR, but that's because the H stands for Human and so it doesn't apply to them.'

Photo by Dimitry Ljasuk on Unsplash

Small boats entering faster than big boats exiting Dover

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Gazza's face reappears on White Cliffs of Dover, but this time in smeared excrement

In an astonishing portent of doom prediction, the Sunday Sport newspaper actually called one right.

On the 15th July 1990, Britain's favourite news failure reported that England football legend Paul Gascoigne's face had materialised on the White Cliffs of Dover. While no one other than poor, misguided Tory voters believed this bilge at the time, it has sadly come to pass.

32 years later, due to a recent build up of excrement being dumpy-pumpied into the English Channel by water authorities, the backwash has soiled the otherwise pristine Kent cliffs.

Leading expert in cable-laying, Professor Vince Crimp explained, 'Due to an abnormal tempestuous vortex current of backsplatter, the effluence pebble-dashed the chalk frontage.

'It is still a mystery to science why it has formed into the face of Mr Gascoigne, but perhaps not a mystery to middle-aged football fans who are also disgusted with the level of environmental disregard being shown by those supposedly in charge. Or, more correctly, in discharge. Whether or not this is an immense opportunistic dirty protest is impossible to tell.'

Water authorities have washed their hands of the shituation, and the government has confirmed that this is yet another backlog they won't touch.

Hat tip to lockjaw

Image: london_millennia | Pixabay