.
top of page
Search
A man who has done a few things for charity over the years has found himself wondering why the world’s problems haven’t been sorted out by now.
Dave Parsons says it all began when he was at school, when all the kids had a “Barnados box” they were encouraged to put their spare change into, though he wasn’t sure if his was ever handed in. Since then, he has done several “fun runs” with work colleagues and once even set up a regular donation because the girl who stopped him in the street was pretty.
'And what do I find? The environment’s worse than ever, the rivers are full of shit, people are still starving somewhere or other, and seals, or otters or whatever it was, are still endangered.
'And that homeless guy by the tube station I once bought the Big Issue from was there again this morning. I mean, what was it all for? I should have spent my change on sweets and comics like I wanted to.'
However, a spokesperson for a major famine relief charity reassured him that the money donated by him and others “has made a huge difference”.
'I mean, without your donations, we’d never have been able to send our people to poor countries to sample the local poontang. The trick is to find the ones with young kids to feed - you wouldn’t believe what they’ll do for a handful of rice.'
photo: https://pixabay.com/users/viarami-13458823/
In an attempt to gain younger potential voters the government has rolled out some new initiatives.
'We've stopped the under 18s from buying lottery tickets - and why not, they're hardly likely to use their winnings to bankroll the Tory party,' said a government minister today. 'We've also stopped them buying and smoking cigarettes or vape products until their 18th birthday - and any check on the high street will confirm what an effective rule that is,' he added, puffing his chest out.
'Drinking beer is a long standing privilege for over-18s, also ruthlessly observed. And what's all this getting married before you're 18 all about, eh? There's no way a 16 or 17 year old can be relied on to raise a child, keep a household, hold down a job and bankroll the Tory party. That's off the cards now, too.
'So now you can see Rishi's masterplan. No lottery, no smoking, no vaping, no drinking and definitely no marrying. What is there left to do between their 16th and 18th birthday? Maths, that's what. What else could they legally do other than maths? What was that? Shagging? Really? Instead of calculus? You really are out of touch, son.'
bottom of page