Rashford not sure which white cabinet minister he spoke to

Footballer Marcus Rashford has allegedly revealed to friends that he’s no longer sure if he had a Zoom meeting with Gavin Williamson or Dominic Raab.

A spokesperson for the England international said ‘It’s pretty weird that guaranteeing poor kids have enough food to eat is such a long conversation. The problem is Marcus can’t remember which white middle-aged Dickensian villain masquerading as a cabinet minister, that he spoke to.’

Political commentator Marianne Morrison attempted to solve the conundrum, saying: ‘It probably wasn’t Raab, he doesn’t really do phone calls. The talent vacuum that is Gavin Williamson? His energy is ex-TA and constantly going on about it. Williamson becoming Secretary of State for Education gives hope to all the divorced dads out there, desperately trying to impress the children of their new, younger partner. There’s a limited number of times that making your thumb disappear is going to cut it, best get that tarantula back in the game.’

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the embattled Education Secretary confirmed that all ‘bleeding heart liberals’ looked the same to him. ‘Besides, football, rugby, what’s the difference? Neither is cricket, correct?’

The awkwardness of the moment was not dispelled when Williamson also claimed that Gandalf and Dumbledore were one and the same, while Jedward was only one guy. He went on to say over-weight women were just pregnant and that Samuel L Jackson was in The Matrix. The aide explained: ‘The important thing is that all starving school children look the same to Mr Williamson – expendable’. Hat tip Wrenfoe

£2 billion drop in exports and other head scratchers - Daily Express

The UK has been struck by several completely inexplicable events in the last 8 months, the latest of which is a two billion pound drop in exports.

"This is a real mystery", said foreign secretary Dominic Raab, "And it's not the only really odd thing; did you know that my mobile phone bill shot up when I was on a lovely holiday in Crete recently? And when I got back, a lot of people were quite cross with me for no reason; perhaps it's because of the unexplained empty shelves in the supermarkets."

One former government minister claimed that he could explain everything, but as soon as he opened his mouth he turned into a pillar of salt.

photo: Pixabay

Raab says Afghan refugee talks in Ibiza are ‘not another holiday’

Dominic Raab has denied that his current trip to discuss the Afghan refugee crisis is in fact a disguised holiday.

The Foreign Secretary was spotted downing pints and acting raucously at the airport before his flight to Qatar. He was wearing shorts, a t-shirt, flip-flops, a straw hat and sunglasses. It is said he only packed one suit for the entire trip.

Mr Raab told reporters that his kite surfing trip after meeting the Qatari government was “an importance piece of diplomacy”, but he couldn’t explain why it was.

The itinerary for the trip will see Mr Raab visit other major governments in the region which have “great beaches and/or hotels”, but it now emerges it also includes visits to the Bahamas, Ibiza, Amsterdam and other top holiday hot spots.

'I need to understand the role the night clubs in Ibiza, the beaches in the Bahamas and the cannabis cafés in Amsterdam can play in all this,' Mr Raab said. 'The fact Michael Gove is joining me in Ibiza doesn’t make it a "lad’s weekend away" at all and it is not to make up for cutting my other holiday short. It is a tough job but somebody has to do it.

'Now if you will excuse me as I am running late for my massage.'

photo: marucha @ Pixabay