Dominic Raab admits feeding a potential acid attacker to his pigs

Dominic Raab has revealed what he did with the body of someone who threatened to attack him.

The Deputy Prime Minister claims he received three “threats to life and limb” that have resulted in pre-emptive attacks launched by himself or with the help of Scotland Yard.

Raab told reporters, “I received very specific information about a planned acid attack. and so I decided to stake out the address of the suspect – a normal, respectable family man with three children, now orphans.”

“The threats were made to me personally and were quite graphic in their detail. He wasn’t so fucking cocky when I started smashing his door down with an axe.”

Raab then detailed how he abducted the individual with his trademark sneer before escorting him to his two-hundred acre Surrey estate.

Raab continued, “I don’t know whether you’ve ever tried to dispose of human remains, but pigs are terribly efficient at devouring what’s left of a terrorist after he’s been through a Biojack 300E – a machine primarily used for shredding timber.”

“Anyway, that’s where my twin porkers Hamble and Jemimah really came into their own.”

He added, “Anyone who’s ever taken lunch with Priti Patel in the Commons canteen will know what I’m talking about.”

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Cabinet Squid Squabble set to get gory

After watching the Korean documentary Squid Game, an unseemly row is said to have erupted in cabinet about who gets to use it as a policy.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said ‘Priti Patel suggested 456 refugees playing games to the death on a container ship drifting in the Channel. The last survivor would be offered a life jacket and British passport to paddle back. Patel suggested that the game could be livened up by warplanes strafing the participants. But Rishi Sunak pitched an alternative which he claimed stays closer to the Korean original. 456 people on Universal Credit – therefore in huge debt – fight to the death on a sealed off council estate. The last survivor would be offered an HGV licence. Both agreed Bradley Walsh would present the coverage.’

Hootington-Hurst continued ‘Dominic Raab said only he could truly administer justice but no-one was listening so he went back practising karate in the corner. Liz Truss opened with a joke “Truss-t me, I’m the foreign secretary”. No-one laughed. Then she said she had signed 456 trade deals with some countries that clearly don’t exist and there was a lot of stuff about pork markets. I’m not sure she fully understood the rules. Boris was wearing a hi-vis vest with “The Front Man” written on it. He said they should play British Bulldog to decide. I saw a glint in his eye and a shiv up his sleeve.’

image pixabay/Clker-Free-Vector-Images

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Surgical appliance replaces Foreign Secretary

The replacement of Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab by a truss has been widely welcomed at Westminster. It's the first time a senior member of any British cabinet has been replaced by a device designed to counter the effects of a hernia.

'This is a brilliant appointment', one Tory grandee said. At last we have a Foreign Secretary who will take a firm grip of a difficult situation. It shows Boris's creativity in making an appointment with which everyone will be comfortable, especially when they stand up suddenly. Conservative MP and doctor Mike Smythe explained 'Very often the symptom a truss can effectively deal with is an enlarged scrotum, and I can think of no better description of Mr Raab.'