'Block Guardian on Twitter for constant lies,' says man who lied to you from No. 10 rose garden

A man who sat in the Downing Street rose garden and fork-tongued out a string of whoppers to the nation has declared that The Guardian newspaper must be universally blocked on Twitter for constant lies.

In fairness to Dominic Cummins, his pants didn't visibly combust until later on when the Guardian newspaper exposed his tiny deluge of small fibs of national shame.

And the multitude of other minced porkies he forced out through the Downing Street fabrication engine during his short and bovine excrement pungent time at the ministry of silly squawks. Those roses did come up lovely with all the manure, though.

Therefore his duplicity should be taken as another untruth where he actually means the opposite, and is highly likely to be a ringing endorsement for the high standards of Guardian journalism and its constant strive to provide facts in a world of dominant jerkoff.

Image: Pixabay/PhotoMIX-Company

Cummings still waiting for job reference from last employer.

It is rumoured that after 12 months of unemployment Dominic Cummings is still struggling to find work, as despite numerous job offers after interview, he never seems able to get a character and professional reference from his previous job.

"I don't get it" fumed the former special advisor, "I go into the interview, fix the panel with the old hypno-eye-stare and all goes well. But then I get turned down! Me! I mean, all I need is a letter testifying to how I dress appropriately for the workplace, work well in a team, yada yada yada - and it never seems to arrive! Typical useless civil service. Or maybe it's those layabout postmen chucking all my glowing testimonials in the bin so they can clock off early. Britain today, I ask you!"

Companies as diverse as management consultants Strategy R Us, political think tank U Pay We Say, and policy affairs consultancy Inside Track refused to comment on their reasons for turning down Mr Cummings, however Jocasta Runcorn, Head of Talent at "industry and government affairs specialists" Backscratcher, said "We ask all new recruits for a written statement from their former employer - a WhatsApp will suffice - attesting to their loyalty and discretion. No further comment."

However, one source close to No. 10 was heard to mumble "thinks he's clever does he, Mr Cunnings? Thinks he'll take me down and ruin my career? Well, two can play at that game. And for once - in fact, first time ever I think - telling the truth actually works in my favour."

Image: trudi1 | Pixabay

Storm Cummings causes massive blackouts in the sunlit uplands

The sunlit uplands have been plunged into perpetual darkness after a severe storm swept across the region, leaving a trail of slime in its wake.

The Met Office has been forced to issue red alerts and warnings about structural damage after an alpine tunnel collapsed. Utility companies have been working around the clock to restore lost power, but officials say they are fighting a losing battle.

'Storm Cummings could be the worst storm to hit the Uplands in living memory,' said a spokesman for Western Power. 'The pastures are completely ruined, and it's unlikely the lights will ever come on again. This is way more than significant damage; we are talking complete obliteration. It's like a volcano has erupted. The only difference is that a volcano causes slightly less damage.’

‘All we can do is advise people to hide behind a facemask, mumble something unintelligible and keep their fingers crossed.'

Mountains Field Clouds - Free photo on Pixabay