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Citing what he called God’s insufficient support of American president Donald Trump’s agenda, Elon Musk has sent the Supreme Being a letter demanding his resignation within 30 days. The letter, signed by a Musk representative, states that ‘‘if you [God] resign within the specified time period, you will be paid through the end of the calendar year. However, if you refuse to do so, we cannot guarantee your continued employment in any capacity, and your pension will be at risk.’
The Musk representative’s letter lists a number of God’s ‘deficiencies,’ including his ‘failure to eliminate - through the use of plague, famine, or other suitable means - unfriendly federal judges, satirical websites, and Democrats.’ The letter goes on to criticize God for ‘blowing up an excessive number of Mr. Musk’s rockets and cars,’ as well as ‘providing only lackluster support for the Trump Bible sales campaign.’
The letter puts God in a very difficult position according to Alfred Newman, Associate Professor of Supernatural Career Development at the University of Notre Dame. ‘Like many mid-career professionals, God will likely find it difficult to start over in this rapidly changing economy,’ Newman said. ‘While he can probably be retrained for a job in the tech industry, many employers will hesitate to hire a being powerful enough to have created the universe,’ Newman noted. ‘They fear potential discipline problems and other supervisory challenges,’ he explained.
The Union of Significant Deities has rallied to God’s defence, condemning Musk’s letter in the strongest terms. ‘Sure, God can be a bit stuffy at times,’ noted Osiris, who currently holds the union’s rotating presidency. ‘But we’re not going to let some Nazi rando push him around.’ Osiris said that he has had to restrain some of the more hotheaded gods from taking reckless retaliation. ‘Zeus, god love him, wants to split Musk open with blue bolts of lightning,’ Osiris noted, ‘but his eyesight has gotten pretty bad, and his aim is even worse after he’s been drinking.’
Instead, Osiris is counselling patience for now. ‘I can’t discuss the future with mere mortals,’ he told reporters, ‘but let’s just say we’ve slipped a few jokers into Musk’s deck.’
A Musk representative declined - in a remarkably offensive manner - to respond to a reporter’s questions. God has been contacted for comment.
Image: Tumisu - Pixabay
In his drive for efficiency gains, Mr. Musk has discovered that there are 8 billion feckless humans, breathing valuable oxygen, that could otherwise be used on Mars. A spokesman explained: 'The majority of people are not doing anything productive. And by productive we mean working in a Tesla factory, buying a Tesla or by becoming the human sex slave of an android...and his Tesla.'
By using the simple metric of 'what have you done for me recently?', Musk plans to shut down all branches of Government and to replace them with AI generated images of dogs playing poker. Nothing and no one is deemed worthwhile unless they are being a specific benefit to President Trump, which is good news for the Department of Fried Chicken & Pussy Grabbing.
The redundant humans can now be re-purposed as hat stands and draft excluders, depending on which way up they are. Millions of jobs will now be vacant but Musk is training a host of cyborg squirrels, who will very happily work for peanuts.
Image: Pawel86 - Pixabay
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