Dog perfectly aware he's a good boy

Rusty, a three-year-old Yorkshire terrier from Esher, has confirmed that he is now completely convinced of his intrinsic moral decency. The breakthrough came after his owner, Hannah Morrison, 43, had repeatedly assured him he was ‘a good boy, a good boy, a good caking GOOD GOOD goooooood boy’.

‘Trust me, I’m up to speed on this one,’ said Rusty. ‘I freely admit I’m not very bright – the highlights of my day are licking that cocker spaniel from down the road’s pee from off a leaf and the erection I get when I crank out a particularly steamy turd, but I could hardly not be aware of this one after hearing her tell me I’m a ‘lover-ly LOVER-LY little tinker’ at least five times a day every day since she ripped me off my mum’s teats in that nice warm barn. FFS.’

During Morrison’s period of ownership, Rusty’s basic goodness and cleverness levels have continued to rise almost uninterruptedly. Starting out as a ‘little tiny stinky bundle of cuddles’, by the end of his first three months he had attained ‘oooeeeez such a BRIGHT little sausage’ status. Although she could no longer ‘eat him all up’ by the time he was fully grown, Morrison remains convinced that he is her ‘perfect little dog-alog-alog-alog’.

‘Sometimes I’ve wondered if she was just saying it all just to make herself believe it,’ admitted Rusty. ‘So, I tried, in so far as one who greets his friends by licking their bottoms is capable of evaluating such abstract philosophical concepts as good and evil, to test if any empirical evidence to the contrary would shake her certainties, but they didn’t, so it must be true. I didn’t shag those curtains for fun, you know.’

The breakthrough in communication that has shown Rusty to be a good boy is being hailed as a giant step in biology, especially since Morrison is now holding a dog chew above his head and asking ‘Ooooeeeez a greedy, greedy little mutt? A GREEDY little MUTT’, while he lies there alternately whimpering, barking and dragging his groin across the kitchen floor.

‘Actually, I’d prefer some day-old rabbit droppings,’ added Rusty, ‘but you don’t like to disappoint people, do you?’

Image: Pixabay/Josch13

Owner wins plaudits for blaming own dog over unprovoked attack

The owner of a so-called ‘dangerous dog’ has won plaudits on all sides for being the first to admit his dog was at fault when it attacked a man in the park who was innocently minding his own business.

Bernard Potts said: ‘I was walking towards the lake on my way to feed the ducks when, Satan, an eight stone Rottweiler, spotted me and came charging up with his teeth bared, slavering in a crazed manner pinning me to the ground.

He then explained Satan’s owner, 20 year-old Dale Marston, was most apologetic asking: ‘Are you all right? I’m so sorry. I don’t know why he did that. Mind you, he's fucking mental and has a shocking vicious streak. He sometimes scares the shit out of me.’

But despite the terrifying ordeal Bernard has nothing but praise for Dale. ‘He never once told me it was my fault. That Satan never usually behaves that way, or insisted I was probably attacked because I had made a sudden move frightening the soppy old sod, who'd normally be more likely to lick me to death.'

photo: Manuchi @ Pixabay

Veteran dog walker finally finds corpse in woods

After years of waking up early to walk his dog, retiree Mike Edwards has finally found a corpse. The grim discovery, which he suspects will be the first of many, was made early yesterday morning when he noticed a hand sticking out from beneath some leaves.

‘I’ve been walking my dog through the woods every morning since I retired fifteen years ago’, said the 67-year-old. ‘Everybody knows that all dog walkers eventually find something like this, but I’ve not once found a mangled body or a skeleton. I’ve never even come across a discarded running shoe with the foot still inside. That all changed today; it’s terribly exciting’.

When pressed for details of the gruesome find, he explained: ‘It was textbook. My black labrador ran ahead and I lost sight of him, but then I found him sniffing around a pile of leaves and saw the hand poking out. I realised it was the body of an old woman. I phoned the police straightaway and waited for them to arrive. They put a tent around the body, and then a haggard looking world-weary cop turned up to take over and wind-up the forensics team’.

The Chief Superintendent in charge of the crime scene said: ‘We thank this old man for contacting us but we will not be talking to him from now on, and even though he discovered the body, he is not a suspect and you won’t be seeing him again’.

‘At the moment we have no idea who the dead woman is but assume that the discovery of the body will be the start of a long and complex investigation. We suspect that the motive for the murder will have its roots in something that happened decades ago, possibly in a children’s home.

He concluded: ‘We would ask anyone who may know the dead person to come forward so that we may suspect them of not giving us the full story before offloading in an emotional denouement, at which point we will probably agree that the dead woman had it coming. For now I’ve passed the investigation over to a shambolic, divorced, middle-aged functioning alcoholic who deals with this sort of thing every week’.