New Channel 5 reality cop show: Hosepipe Interceptors

Channel 5 has announced another crime busting reality show to fill its prime time "not the news and it's still a bit early for a documentary about porn" slot.

Hosepipe Interceptors will follow a crack team of specially trained officers and dogs as they use millions of pounds of technology to contain and punish criminals who insist on going against societal norms, without even thinking about the consequences.

In one episode we have seen they will tut quite loudly as a single mother in a ground floor council flat is tasered whilst filling a paddling pool for her toddler.

Roll your eyes as the ex-army major is caught watering his prize roses in the dead of night when all law-abiding citizens should be tucked up in their beds, and laugh as trainee police canine, Max, bites the water jet rather than the arm of the Porsche owner hosing the pollen off his car at 5 in the morning.

You pay your taxes, you may as well watch it while you can still afford the electricity. And anyway, there's nothing else on. Channel 5. Tuesdays. Probably.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/mikes-photography-1860391/

Recently retired woman finally understands why she commuted for 50 years

A recent Crowdscience episode about migratory animals has helped a woman who commuted daily from Birmingham to London and back again understand why she did the commute. "It was obviously natural instinct kicking in and there was nothing I could have done about it, even though I hated commuting." she told our reporter. "They said on the wireless how exhausted migratory animals get on their travels, and to be honest, I felt the same on the occasions I fell asleep on the train and ended up in Crewe. "All the messing about waiting for a train that would take me somewhere sensible and work out how to get a ticket from a machine after the ticket office was unmanned would take hours, so I would just get one back to London, or be late for work the next day." We asked the commuter, who preferred us to withhold her name how she came to hear the programme when it was broadcast, at it will have coincided with her train journey. "Thankfully I've reached retirement age," she replied. "So I got the chance to hear it. "If those scientists who study migratory stuff had any compassion, they'd work out a way to let birds and wildebeest hear it too, so they'd think about retiring as well."

Sir David Attenborough has loud piercing laugh 'like cat full of marbles'

Sir David Attenborough has a loud, piercing laugh, 'like a cat full of marbles rolling down a hill', sources close to the renowned naturalist and broadcaster said today. It is believed that Mr. Attenborough uses this laugh to protect his territory and attract mates.

The tactic has hitherto remained secret because the television star disguises it in broadcasts through a combination of judicious whispering and being very serious all the time. The desperate attempts not to laugh have taken their toll however, as apparently Mr. Attenborough finds giant tortoises and monkeys especially hilarious. Colleagues have mentioned recently how he would quietly discuss Bonobo status tactics on camera before collapsing in breathless shrieks that would terrify birds for miles around.

The natural world does not often see the arrival of broadcasters with peculiar laughs. A Jimmy Carr might be spotted scrabbling for tax returns, or maybe a Ricky Gervais trying for a fourth series. And yet ... even here ... an Attenborough may occasionally let one rip that has the sound recordist running for cover.

Image: Pixabay/spoiu23