BMA castigated for not checking Steve Barclay's diary

A red faced BMA, on the start of a new four day strike attempting to bring the NHS to its knees, admitted that none of the union officials checked the Health Minister's diary before calling the strike. 'Fair enough, he's on holiday in some sun-kissed resort so we really can't expect him to turn up for discussions about resolving the crisis,' a union representative said.

The last time they tried to get Mr Barclay around a table he was having his hair cut - a long standing appointment with 'some guy from the high street'. The representative agreed it would be unreasonable to ask him to reschedule his trim as their other customer might be inconvenienced. 'Like the time before - had to walk the dog. We thought that job had finished when Johnson left Number 10, but no, it's a commitment, so fair enough.

'We've checked his diary and it seems very full for the next fourteen months, then nothing. I guess that's our opportunity,' said the representative.

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Junior Doctors demand a go in a golden carriage

Junior Doctors have said they would happily forget all their outrageous demands about slightly less miserable pay and slightly more acceptable working conditions, if they could just commute to work aboard a golden horse-drawn carriage down The Mall, through Admiralty Arch, along Whitehall to Parliament Square.

One Junior Doctor said 'As a show of good faith, we're even prepared to use the golden carriage that is apparently more uncomfortable than the other golden carriage. Even though I work in Aberdeen, and would have to fly to London and then fly back afterwards, this would still save me money on hospital parking.'

A Tory MP boomed 'I like my healthcare like I like my expenses claims and the Guatemalan rent boys I keep locked in my basement. Private.'

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A fairy tale coronation?