Besieged Ukrainian Townspeople to Hold Vigil For Bruce Willis

The people of the war-torn town of Mariupol in eastern Ukraine are preparing to hold a candlelit vigil this evening as a mark of respect for stricken Hollywood star, Bruce Willis, who has been forced into retirement due to a brain condition.

One woman who has been trapped in a basement for thirty-six days with her small child after Russian shelling reduced her home to rubble, emerged to tell a BBC reporter: 'It's been a tough time for all of us, to be honest, but we couldn't just cower amongst the debris of our former homes while Bruce Willis is reduced to wandering around his palatial Beverly Hills residence not knowing if he wants a shit or a haircut.

'The whole town will be turning out tonight as a mark of our respect, curfew or no curfew.

'If we get killed then so be it. At least we'll have given our lives in a worthy cause.

'Many of my friends and neighbours in the basement are distraught about this one and if it wasn't for the fact that Meatloaf and the drummer out of the Foo Fighters are still hale and hearty I could see many of them going over the edge.'

Bruce Willis appeared in a number of highly successful movies, many of which featured the star clinging to the fuselage of various aircraft in an oil-stained vest wearing a sardonic grin. A spokesman for Mr Willis said 'Yippee-kay-ay'.

First published 2 April 2022

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/masbebet-5633372/ 

www.newsbiscuit.com

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image from pixabay

Scientists discover that brain cells die in Alzheimer’s disease 'because they want to'

'For years, we’d been trying to discover why brain cells die off in Alzheimer’s disease,' a leading scientist from the UK's Dementia Research Institute told reporters yesterday.

'But in a way, the answer had been staring us right in the face.

'Just think about what you've all done! You have made your poor brain cells sit through thousands of episodes of breakfast TV featuring Holly, Phil and Roland Rat.

'You have subjected them to Kylie Minogue and Rick Astley, and the speeches of every self-regarding, prating politician from Reginald Maudling and Edward Heath to Angela Rayner.

'Meanwhile, they have gone through years of witnessing the moronic antics of Coleen Rooney, Jeremy Beadle, Boris Johnson and Emu without rebelling and turning you loopy.

'And every morning, you have woken up and started force-feeding them a heart-breaking diet of news stories about killer floods, fires, famines, wars, earthquakes, and golden-haired children going missing.

'Is it any wonder that, after a nearly of lifetime of constant exposure to all this toxic bilge, they simply decided – one after another – to end their pitiful lives?

'What we're saying is: if you don't want your brain cells to desert you, stop showing them the dismal levels to which human existence has sunk in 21st century Britain.