- Lockjaw
- May 24, 2023

A Press Officer for Hell, yesterday, provided a robust response to Donald Trump’s statement that "the USA is going to Hell”. Spokesdemon, BL Zeebub, stated that it’s “absolutely not going to happen. We have enough challenges already processing the growing daily number of migrants over the Styx, without taking in a country of 330 million, as well".
“That is not to say that there aren’t some specifically skilled migrants who would be more than welcome, which is why we operate a points system. However, we can’t deal with as many in one go - people would be queueing for months and the extra fire required would certainly blow our carbon targets".
"No, as much as Mr Trump, himself, would be a good fit, both with our corporate culture and the décor, we cannot deal with an infestation of Americans. This would surely lead to a reduction in service for the current inhabitants, which would be totally unfair to the many who’ve signed up to eternal punishment.”
Mr Trump was approached for comment but said he didn’t speak to the “Fake News Media, let alone the Fake Fake News Media”.
This morning, Vladimir Putin was presented with a Cease and Desist demand from the Prince of Darkness himself – Satan – following the Russian despot's increased threats of launching his new nuclear missiles, nicknamed “The Satan 2”.
‘I’m absolutely miffed,’ claimed the ruler of Hell. ‘For years – for millennia, really – I’ve been completely misunderstood and totally misrepresented.
‘I’m not a bad guy.’ He went on ‘I give people what they want. You want money, come to me. You want fame, glory, anything fun. If you want any of the stuff that puts a smile on your face, I’ll give it to you. All I ask in return is for your eternal soul, but what’s that compared to gold wallpaper or a swimming pool in your garden?
‘I’m the fun uncle! But now this bloke has started flashing around this great bloody rocket that could destroy the world, and he’s slapped my bloody name on it! I don’t need or want that sort of publicity – I certainly don’t want to be associated with the end of the world. I can’t rule it if it’s destroyed, can I?’
A spokesman for the Devil has stated that if the Russian President does not issue an apology to Mr Satan, they will sue him for defamation of character.