Newly-discovered planet is 'safe'

The government is currently drafting a law declaring that a recently-discovered, 259,000 light-year-distant planet, described as a bare rock 'about half the size of that square bit of land sticking out of the left-hand side of England, covered in sheep' and which is 5,000 degrees hot, has seas full of hydrofluoric acid and an atmosphere of chlorine, is 'a safe, convenient and democratically-governed location to which unauthorised would-be immigrants may be lawfully accommodated while awaiting a decision on whether or not they are entitled to permanent residence in the UK.

'Of course it's a sensible choice,' a government spokes-bot declared 'which will deter the literally dozens of unauthorised would-be immigrants flooding to Britain every year in dangerous, ramshackle home-made clockwork flying saucers.

'And no-one need worry about logistical considerations regarding the plante's remote location.  Guests will have plenty of time to get there, have a nice relaxing break and then, if deemed admissible, eventually make their way  back to these shores, before Britain's immigration authorities have come anywhere near to making any kind of decision - about anything.'

Photo by Arnaud Mariat on Unsplash

Learner drivers to be sent to Rwanda until they pass test

British road users will no longer find themselves seething with frustration while stuck behind a clueless driver who can't change gears. Thanks to new legislation they will be deported to Rwanda until they get a full licence to drive on British roads. 'We can guarantee they'll be treated humanely there", says a Home Office spokesman. "They'll be given free L-plates on arrival and can get driving lessons at a discount from local warlords.'

"Personally, I think it's for the best", says 38-year-old BMW driver Frank Mason. "You need to earn the right to stay in Britain, and that means being able to do a three-point turn and overtake on the cycle lane when you find yourself in a traffic jam.'

The first provisional licence holder was stopped and detained early this morning and is now awaiting deportation. Fifty-six-year-old Mavis Beckford, who has failed her test six times, was pulled over while driving up the A30 at 45mph and will be flown to Rwanda tomorrow. 'Personally, I have no time for these L-plate people with their huge sense of entitlement,' says arresting officer David Lake. 'She says she was just going up to Basingstoke to "seek a better life" - yeah, right.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/kartik27-298317/

Rwanda flights to be filled by victims of other crimes

Following the cancellation of the flight to deport asylum seekers to Rwanda, the government has decided to fill the newly created seats with other victims. 'We had budgeted for 322 seats including four in the landing gear and twelve in the baggage hold, but we now have lots of spaces', a government spokesman today.

'So we are going to fill the aircraft with other victims. Victims of marital violence will fill the front third of the plane, but without their children, obviously because that would be cruel. We're betting the abusers will really feel punished by that.

'And surviving victims of drink/drive and/or road rage will be filling the middle third, but not the emergency exit seats if they're still in plaster. That'll stop people drink-driving if there's no-one stupid enough left to walk on pavements at two in the afternoon, eh?

'The final third of the seats will be filled with members of the British public who have been victims of this government.

'We're actually expecting to have to put quite a few more flights on just for them,' he added.

Image: Pixabay/blende12