Summer solstice delayed until November because of staff shortages

Druids, hippies and other essential workers have reacted with dismay after the government postponed summer solstice until November.

A government spokesman explained, 'Summer is a really difficult time for such a major festival; many staff are away for their summer breaks. It greatly simplifies traffic management to move the date until a much quieter time of year. In addition, I thought that druids would welcome not having to get up at 3 O'clock in the morning.

Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg, who was recently knighted for disservice to the Realm, criticised the delay. 'I've always abhorred civil servants having any kind of holiday,' said Rees-Mogg's absent shadow. 'But if they do insist on it, why don't they simply buy a holiday home or two in the southern hemisphere so they've got somewhere warm to pop off to?'

UK's Sudan evacuations delayed by returnees having to file immigration paperwork

The government has explained that it is evacuating British citizens from Sudan as fast as the 'essential' immigration paperwork can be completed.

Many of those fleeing for their lives have expressed surprise and anger that, despite their British citizenship, they still have to go to what remains of the British Embassy in Khartoum to make a formal application to return to the UK. 'We are not asylum seekers, we're British!' said one, brandishing their blue passport.

'Yes yes, your house may have been bombed and you may think you are about to be shot, but there are millions of people who can say that,' noted Penelope Smythe, a spokesperson for the Home Office. 'If you want to enter the UK, due process has to be observed - we can't rush these things you know.'

Meanwhile, the influx of people from Sudan has been leading to unrest in the 'Blue Wall' constituencies of Kent, Surrey and Hampshire.

'Britain is full,' said Roger Garage, president of Conservatives for No Migration First, 'so we can't just let thousands of expats in. Where are they going to live? What jobs are they going to do? They'll be saying they're entitled to benefits next! From the TV news it looks like they had nice houses over there. Send 'em back I say.'

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South West Trains accidentally runs train on time

Commuters were left aghast after South West Trains accidentally ran a train on time.

Tara Taylor said 'What will I complain about to my colleagues now? More importantly, what's my excuse for being an hour late to the office? Thanks for nothing.'

A spokesman said 'We apologise for the correct running of that service. Normally we would arbitrarily cancel any train that looked like it might run on time. Maybe change its platform last minute so we can watch people scurry about like the worthless ants - the scum - that we believe them to be.'

'The best part is that private train companies rake more in government subsidies than it would cost to run a nationalised network. But as any Tory shareholder will tell you, the private sector does everything better. And that includes shitting all over the travelling public.'