Economic boost from by elections imminent

Tax-avoiding entrepreneurs boasted that 'next year we'll be millionaires'

A south-East London family were part of a series of slick, if convoluted, plots for over 20 years to defraud the Exchequer, it has emerged. 'To the outside world, Trotters Independent Trading carefully cultivated an image of a regular working-class family', noted investigative journalist Lilian De Rennes today. 'Just trying their best to get on and combining obviously doomed money-making schemes with a strong sense of comedy and pathos.' ‘However, our pain-staking investigation, involving the viewing of over 100 hours of video footage, has revealed tax avoidance - and slapstick humour - taking place on an industrial scale, all co-ordinated from a small tower block flat in Peckham and the local Nags Head pub’, continued De Rennes. ‘Their 'no income tax, no VAT' mantra funded increasingly outlandish spending, including self-inflating blow up dolls and spontaneously exploding Albanian radios’, noted De Rennes. ‘The pair were also assisted in their escapades by two elderly brothers whose expertise in all things offshore allowed them to minimise their tax liabilities whilst also providing an impressive range of running gags about their misfortunes whilst in the Navy.’ 'The public are rightly asking how the Trotters were able to continue their deception for so long?’. Said De Rennes. ‘But I’d turn the question back on the public. At the height of their popularity – the Christmas special in 1988 – it seems that 24.2 million people appear to have been in the know about their avoidance activities,' 'The younger brother Rodney even appears to have had an alias, being called 'Dave' on hundreds of occasions, to the mirth of many.’ Investigations are now focusing on some of the bizarre techniques used by the family to reduce tax payments for themselves and others. These include an elaborate shell company specialising in destroying expensive home furnishings, such as chandeliers, and bogus personal injury claims for accidents including falling through a bar. No-one from the family was available for comment today, although a number of sightings of the couple, dressed in Batman and Robin costumes, have been reported on UK Gold.

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Government insists all children hum the tune The Dam Busters

On the 25th of June, the government has issued a dictate that all children sing 'Strong Britain, Great nation, No irony’ but to a medley of nationalistic tunes; including the tune from ‘Antiques Roadshow’, ‘Coronation Street’ and the sound of a deflating space hopper. Drawing influences from Grime (Darren Grimes that is), this stirring song will crescendo with Vera Lynn singing the theme music from the 70s TV show 'Minder'

Teachers will be expected to use a state approved lesson about Britain's colonial past, which conveniently forgets to mention we had one. In a stirring playground ceremony, children will salute the Union Jack and then promptly declare ownership of the school, while enslaving half their classmates.

In a haunting madrigal, children as young as five will re-enact the UK's proudest movements, from the 1966 World Cup to Del Boy falling through the cocktail bar. These will be accompanied by a marching band playing The Prodigy's ‘Firestarter’ and ‘Remember you're a Womble'.

A spokeswoman for North Korea was critical of Boris Johnson's crude propaganda tool: 'At least our glorious leader has a plausible haircut'. Despite UK ministers insisted: 'Small children singing patriotic songs, what's not to like? It worked for Hitler’.