Sauron believed ready to cross the house

Following the latest Conservative MP, Natalie Elphick, to cross the house to join Labour other high-profile Tories have agreed to enter into discussions with the Labour Party, with a view to crossing the floor.

'Sir Keir Starmer is indeed in conversation with some notable Tory MPs,' confirmed a spokesman today.  'Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg is hoping to become the shadow trans spokesperson, Jonathan Gullis would love to be the shadow minister for common sense and Sir Keir agrees that Michael Gove is multi-faceted.  In fact, everybody agrees on that point,' he said.

A spokesperson for Suella Braverman has denied that she is considering joining Labour as 'it is looking way too right wing' for her.

Rumours that recently deposed MP for Mordor, Sauron, was considering joining the Labour team in time for the next election as their candidate for Middle Earth have been downplayed, though.  A spokes-orc for Sauron said, 'Sauron sees himself more of a Lib Dem type of guy.'

Photo by Douglas Bagg on Unsplash

1922 Committee issues form letter for defecting Tory MPs

Dear Honourable Sir Kier, great lord and master,

We the undersigned, who've been sitting on the other side of the House for the past 14 years wearing red trousers and sneering at you, admit that regrettably, at a few points in the past, we may have called you a vile quasi-communist cockroach for serving on the Labour front bench under the leadership of Jeremy Corbyn.

We may also have called you Britain's Little Hitler in chief for advocating lockdowns during the pandemic.

It may also conceivably be possible that we repeatedly yelled across the chamber during PM Questions that you were an unutterably boring piece of dried-up kelp and a great steaming human bollard.

We may also have called your lovable deputy a sullen, sour-faced minx and told Rachel Reeves that she couldn't think her way out of a wet Co-op paper bag.

Since learning the results of the local elections, we have suddenly realised that these statements were entirely misguided and untrue, and that all this time we had been yearning to advance the causes of social democracy and trade unionism.

Therefore, we would like very much to defect to your side of the House, really sharpish, so that we can stand for our seats as Labour candidates in the upcoming general election - thus avoiding becoming political roadkill in a Tory meltdown which we now realise is totally on the cards.

This, of course, has nothing to do with the fact that no one, absolutely no one, has responded to our bleating pleas on Linkedin for post-election directorships and such like. People must think we are unemployable, for some reason.

If you let us join you, we promise to think up some really spiteful and vitriolic put-downs to yell at the senior Tories we used to grovel to - Sunak, for instance, or whatever hapless sod succeeds him as leader.

Shameless and rat-like, that's what we are. You could use people like us.

Signed,

150 desperate Tory MPs.

Labour hopes Dan Poulter's medical experience will be invaluable