David Cameron announces interest in England Manager role

In a surprise attempt to return to public office for a third time, David Cameron has announced his interest in the vacant post of England Manager.

Lord Cameron of Chipping Norton has released a statement in which he says, ‘Look, I am very keen on the role of England Manager. There are people who say I know bugger all about football, but I have plenty of experience in sudden and disappointing exits from Europe.

'It might come as a surprise, but I've always enjoyed the game, even while I was Foreign Secretary. I'd occasionally pop out of a boring NATO meeting, pull on a pair of Converse pumps that Sam had picked out for me, and do a couple of uppy keepies.  

'And I know how popular the game is to the British people, especially outside the Cotswolds. Visiting tradespeople always speak highly of it.  I tell anyone whether they are a proud Tottenham Villa fan or West Harlequins that I’ve had experience dealing with difficult left-wingers over the years, although it’s the right-wingers in my own team who are the real bastards.

Look, I know the players will be looking forward to me scrumming down with them. There are some who have apparently taken a keen interest in the alleged incident involving a part of my anatomy and a pig’s head and I say to them, fine, I would be delighted to perform it again at Wayne Lineker’s bar in Ibiza.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Rishi Sunak revealed as comedy character

Prime Minister Rishi Sunak was today revealed to be an immersive comedy character along the lines of Alan Partridge or Borat.

'I started by getting him elected as a Conservative MP,' said comedian Sanjay Banerjee, who plays Sunak. 'Which frankly wasn’t that hard, given his constituency would elect a lamppost if it had a blue rosette on it. And then I thought I’d just see how far I could take it.

'No one was more surprised than me when he was made Chancellor and then leader of the party, and thus Prime Minister without reference to the electorate. I keep waiting for the bubble to burst - every day I wake up in 10 Downing Street thinking this’ll be the day, I’ll open the papers and see I’ve been found out. But it never happens.

'The idea - do I really need to explain this? - was to satirise a posh, out of touch politician with no idea about ordinary people’s lives, who puts his foot in it whenever he tries to relate to them. Frankly I thought I’d gone too far with things like the petrol station stunt, where he borrowed a staffer’s small hatchback for a photo op, as if people wouldn’t realise it’s not the car he usually drives. But people seemed to accept he was just a bit clumsy around PR stuff.

'So I had to up the ante - asking the Welsh if they were looking forward to the football, saying I was deprived as a kid because we didn’t have Sky TV, and of course leaving D-Day early. I mean come on, what real British politician would do that? But still nothing.

'Frankly, it’s why I called an early election - I can’t live like this any more. It frightens me that no matter how far I take it, no one realises it’s all a gag. Then again, if a multi-millionaire like David Cameron can say 'We’re all in the same boat’, I suppose all bets are off. You’d almost think he was a comedy character too.'

'Yeah, OK,' said comedian Steve Barnes, who played Cameron for years. 'I suppose it’s time to come clean.

'Frankly, I’d been looking forward to retiring the Cameron character - I do quite a few other characters too, you know, plus improv on Thursday and Sunday nights. But then they bloody made him Foreign Secretary.'

Image: Newsbiscuit

Cameron returns from Trump meeting with desire to incite insurrection

A UK Foreign Secretary who was hastily Lorded for services to patriotic investment in Panama has returned from a bender in Mar-a-Lago. Travelling under the pretence of attempting to meddle in Middle East affairs, the real reason for the trip was to consult with an expert in examining the urinary health of Muscovite prostitutes.

Donald Trump, Experienced Bender (of American law) unduly influenced David Cameron with fine wines. Although it was hard to tell from the vacuous slurred speech, so it could just as easily have been fine swine.

As well as solidifying thinking on continuing to assist war-crimey genocidal maniacs on the fringes of Europe, a special extra bonus benefit for the UK was achieved. Sources close to Cameron's piggy banks have confirmed that the former Prime Minister now believes the erection was stolen from him. As a result, Conservative Party sympathisers should muster their artificially induced anger outside Parliament and await the secret signal, codenamed 'Stormy'.

Trump President Usa - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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