A shocking new report has revealed most animals go extinct because they're "lazy, incompetent, or too cowardly to put up a fight against predators". Zoologist Alan King has been studying the lifestyles of hundreds of species that have disappeared, beginning with the dodo. "Diet, exercise, you name it - all atrocious. Frankly, most of them had it coming", he says. "It's time we stopped mollycoddling shiftless wildlife".
David Attenborough admits he has reluctantly come to the same conclusion: "What these protected species types need is a kick up the arse", he says. "I'm getting tired of speaking up for fussy pandas and pampered overfed whales". The government has taken his advice to move all rare bat species into a Liverpool council estate, where they'll "learn the hard facts about survival of the fittest".
Meanwhile, Jeremy Kyle plans to host a show with vulnerable animals whose global numbers have shrunk to single figures. There they'll face a lynch-mob audience and be subjected to lie detector tests about their breeding habits and allegations of selling their body parts as aphrodisiacs. "For those who fail the test, there's a barbecue fired up and waiting round the back of the studio", he warns. There is to be a tie-in with Jamie Oliver, whose next publication will be The Great Big Extinct Species Cookbook.
Photo by Christoph Schmid on Unsplash
