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A new paper released by researchers at The Department of Grant Maintenance at Nottingham University claims that walking can be beneficial for human health. The news is set to quash years of accepted ideas about the advantages of remaining sedentary until you have to lie down to sleep.


Walking, researchers discovered, can in turn help with activities such as walking. ‘Our data shows that the more a human walks the more they are able to walk,’ said one scientist from the group at Nottingham. ‘Let’s say a human being walks only 500 steps a day. We have discovered that by doubling that number, the person is actually able to walk for a 1,000 steps. By such means of calculation we were able to calculate that should a person add, say, 9,500 steps a day they would be walking 10,000 steps.’


The researcher, speaking from a structure that resembled a tower made of some form of hard, white, elephant-sourced material, spoke of the need for humans to not remain stiffly motionless all day every day. ‘Not getting out of bed is just not as healthy as we previously thought.’ But the scientist warned that there is a limit. Why? ‘Because there is a limit to everything except, it seems, the expansion of the universe.’ That, he added, is also good for human health due to the fact that a universe folding in on itself would eventually eviscerate all atoms. ‘And thus we wouldn’t be able to walk.’


Numerous past generations spoke of the benefits of ambulation on two legs and, before the invention of the motor car, would even walk to Tescos. Indeed, Tesco in Latin means ‘the store to which one must walk.’ And the motto of one of the legions deployed to Brittanicus in the second century AD was ‘Qui non ambulat est kunt.’


image from pixabay

Facebook has stated that it will comply with anything Musk tells Trump to tell Zuckerberg.  With immediate effect, it will cease checking facts.  You read that correctly, apparently up to now it has been.  Well, to be fair, it checked the facts it passed to Analytica a few years back.  Sort of.  Anyway, for those concerned what this move means, here is how it will affect you.


Cat videos will almost certainly be AI generated.  By cats.  They have always controlled that part of Facebook.


Photographs of half-eaten meals will almost certainly be fake.  At least we can hope they are fake.


Videos of people falling off buildings in comedic ways will remain to be fake.  Unless they originate in Russia, in which case please look away.


Adverts selling tat nobody needs at exorbitant prices will remain. Adverts selling useful stuff at prices too good to be true will remain too good to be true.


All your private and personal data will be sold to anyone and everyone.  That wasn't part of the deal, it's just how Facebook works.


A government spokesman stated that the government is unconcerned about the changes to Facebook.  'As far as we can tell the only people still using Facebook are geriatrics, and as we've choked their ability to pay for electricity over the winter they almost certainly won't notice the changes.  We're certain we can squeeze more cash out of pensioners by the spring, so they'll continue not to notice the changes.'


Concerned citizens are recommended to change their social media to Friends Reunited, their search engine to Ask Jeeves, and to avoid sharing their personal details with their cat.


Photo by Glen Carrie on Unsplash





'Let us thank God, our great provider, for blessing us with yet another year's harvest of everyone's personal data," said lay preacher Mark Zuckerberg to his fellow hi-tech barons in the Cathedral Church of St Elon X in Palo Alto.


'Yet again, we have toiled hard and suckered billions of people online into handing over to us a delicious crop of personal details, browsing habits and spending patterns. And we have achieved this by being completely opaque about what information we are gathering from them and who we are selling it to.


'And we thank the Good Lord that for another year, the regulators have left us free to reap highly lucrative data from our fellow citizens in whatever sneaky way we like.


'So why don't all you unscrupulous CEOs give yourselves a treat? Reach into these baskets up here at the altar, which are full of harvest-time donations from the most innocent and unsuspecting souls in our cyber-community, and help yourselves to some extra-large sheaves of personal info to flog off to dodgy retailers and finance companies.


'I have no idea why our Lord and Saviour consistently grants us filthy-rich sinners such bountiful data harvests, year after year," continued Preacher Zuckerberg, looking bashful. "But intelligence suggests it may actually be the demon Mammon who's been doing us all these foul favours.


'So forget our Lord and Saviour. Praise Mammon for his providence, and glorify his name!'


Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

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