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Police and Ambulance services were called to Downing Street yesterday when two former Boris Johnson aids were found hiding in a cellar at No 10. Walking blinking into the light, having been in hiding since 2020, they had no idea that their leader had been deposed or that the Conservatives party had been decimated at a general election.
For now their identities are being kept secret until their families have been informed but one is believed to be the son of a prominent Essex Tory MP whose hobby is reliving the D day landings every forth Sunday of the month and the other a former Eton wet bob who was on a £50,000 a year work experience placement when the parties took place.
Questioned by Police, they explained that the Party invite specially said; do not get caught under any circumstances, capture or surrender is not an option, secrecy is paramount. Based on this, having taken refuge in the cellar after what they believed to be a police raid they would only sneak out at night and walked barefoot at all times. Unbeknown to them of course this was unnecessary as all the Police on duty at Downing Street at that time were all hearing impaired. With since admitted loud parties with Booze, music, singing and even an alleged fight, frequent occurrence under Boris Johnson, the Police on guard in another wise quiet empty street heard nothing.
The two, being hailed as heroes by the Daily Mail, described how they existed on scraps from the nearby kitchen and the massive amount of booze hidden in suitcases they had stashed in the cellars prior to the parties. Initially they also had a supply of Birthday cake but they estimate this ran out after a couple of months. A Police spokes person said that in view of the trauma they had already been though further action was unlikely.
Neither Conservative party central office nor Boris Johnson has yet to comment.
'No, not those immigrants like Boris Johnson, he's lovely and should be our leader every couple of years forever,' says the Right-wing media. 'You know who we mean. Yeah, hate them for everything. And there is no way we can be blamed for whipping up the hatred when it spills over into the good type of violence and peaceful rioting. By the way, here are some maps of where there are hotels with swarms of those disgusting illegal immigrant terrorists we keep telling you about, vouchers for coach tickets to there, a handy list of what you can pick up and throw, and a pullout guide on how to set fire to stuff.
'Everyone who isn't helping set fire to stuff and throwing things can't be a true British patriot. And anyone who gets in your way or tells you to calm down is also a terrorist. Your whiteness entitles you to your right to intimidate anyone who looks a bit Lefty. And it is also your duty to rage against those sick environmentalists because the amazing millionaire who owns this media outlet likes his helicopters, luxury yachts and private jets. And you would like all that too, wouldn't you? It's only asylum seekers invading your great nation who are stopping you, so stick it to them good for your country. Yeah. Fight. Fight. Fight!
If anyone asks, immigrants made you do it.
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