Allied WW2 chat finally declassified

Messages exchanged between Allied leaders on Bakelite, a 1940s precursor of modern messaging apps, have finally been declassified under Home Office rules. 

The messages reveal that the D-Day landings were almost called off due to security concerns.

CHURCHILL: So we’re all set for Normandy?

MONTY: Provided the weather holds, yes sir.

HITLER: Normandy! Gott in Himmel, I almost said Normandy!

CHURCHILL: What the actual… is that Hitler?

HITLER: You know it, baby 😆

CHURCHILL: You added Hitler to the group chat?!?

MONTY: Sorry sir, I didn’t know it was him. His username just said “Reich Reich Baby”.

ROOSEVELT: Jeez, I knew I shouldn’t have left this to a bunch of limeys.

MONTY: Don’t worry Mr President, he still doesn’t know it’s June 6th.

CHURCHILL: Monty, I swear to god…

HITLER: Right, who had Normandy on June 6th?

GOERING: Me! Pay up, losers!

HIMMLER: No you didn’t, you said Brittany. That’s a totally different place.

GOERING: It’s the same place, that’s just the French name for it.

HIMMLER: Christ, no wonder we lost the Battle of Britain…

GOERING: You can talk, you said the Dordogne. That’s not even on the bloody coast!

ROOSEVELT: What the f… you added the whole Nazi High Command?

MONTY: Well unfortunately sir, once Hitler was in, he was able to invite other people...

ROOSEVELT: Goddammit! I oughta come over there and sort you guys out but good.

CHURCHILL: Oh yeah? You and whose wheelchair access ramp?

MONTY: Now now, chaps, let’s not go there…

GOEBBELS: Don’t tell me Mussolini’s on here as well?

HITLER: Don’t worry, I created another chat just for him and me, so he feels like he’s involved. So, you were saying about Normandy?

CHURCHILL: Monty, don’t you say another bloody word!

HITLER: Come on Monty, tell uncle Dolfi 😋

CHURCHILL: Makes no difference anyway. Whatever you send against us, we will fight you on the beaches, on the landing grounds and in the streets.

MONTY: Oh Lord, he’s off again…

STALIN: Gee, sounds like a nice day at the beach, guys. Remind me to tell you about Stalingrad one day.

TUKHACHEVSKY: To be fair, that was partly your fault for not…

TUKHACHEVSKY has left the chat very suddenly.

STALIN: Dude, how many times? Never in public. Or in private, for that matter.

TROTSKY: Dear me, looks like poor old Uncle Joe doesn’t have too many friends left!

STALIN: Trotsky! Enjoying life in Mexico? (Yes, I know where you are)

TROTSKY: Very much, thank you! Must be annoying for you to have a critic you can’t silence?

STALIN: Oh, I have plenty of ways to get to you, old friend. And when the time comes, I’ll take my pick 😜

TROTSKY: Hmm, guess it was funnier in your head.

STALIN: Not as funny as it’ll be in yours. Oh and Dolfi, since we’re talking… you missed a bit under your nose when you were shaving.

HITLER: Thanks, dude. Gets funnier every time.

DE GAULLE: Sorry to interrupt, but… is it safe to come out yet?

Image: mon18marti - Pixabay

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Farage fury at Reform candidate's lack of racist social media posts

A Reform UK spokesman adjusted his police mandated ankle tag before bellowing 'Our party has a rich history of racism. As Nigel said, most people are racists, so why not cut out the middle man and vote for us.'

'Disappointingly, some Reform candidates have only been publicly spewing hate in the dim and distant past - as far back in archaeological time as 2022 in some cases. Saying Hitler had some good ideas is on brand for us, but that post needs to have been made within the last year, otherwise you're basically part of the woke agenda destroying Britain. Why do you hate Britain so much eh?'

Asked about Rishi Sunak's hasty D-Day retreat, the spokesman spat contemptuously 'Here at Reform UK, we believe that fascism is a core British Value. We venerate all those soldiers that gave their lives on D-Day, defending fascism.'

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Sunak 'gaffe pool' winner tries to collect winnings early

A group of aides to the Prime Minister faced a dilemma today when one of them declared he'd obviously won the 'gaffe pool' and demanded his winnings.

'You all laughed at me when I said he'd blow off the D-Day veterans - but he did, so pay up.'

However, the others reminded him the criterion is the worst gaffe Sunak makes in the whole election campaign, and there are still several weeks to go.

'The D-Day thing... yeah, still can't quite believe he did that. But I think there's still time for much worse to happen,' said one aide, who's bet on him setting fire to a homeless shelter.

'Too right,' said his colleague, whose money is on Sunak pissing on an orphaned refugee. 'And I need the money, since I'm going to be unemployed on July 5th. No one's going to employ a former Sunak aide, they probably think he's doing all these things on our advice!'

'I'm afraid he’s right,' said a third guy. 'I thought I'd won when he asked the Welsh if they were looking forward to the football.

'You've got the cringe phoney bloke-ishness, combined with forgetting that Wales and England are different countries. For anyone else, that‘s as bad as it could get, right? But with Sunak... frankly, we can't call it until the election's well and truly over. He might even get the name of the country wrong in the concession speech.'

Image: Hermann - Pixabay