Smug bastard cycles to work

Employees at a firm in London express their outrage as their smug bastard colleague cycles to work for the third time this week.

Fifty-two-year-old Chris Davis favours arriving at the office sinewy, weather-beaten and lycra-clad for the sole purpose of making everyone feel bad about themselves, the employees speculate. Sheeted in sweat, Chris appears at the office entrance doing high-knees to stop his heart rate from falling, before clapping his hands together and yelling "Who’s pumped!" at his sluggish subordinates.

'He walks around with the bravado and flush of someone who’s just got laid,' data analyst John comments. 'He does his lunges in the office kitchen, still out of breath, with the sated, self-satisfied look of a uni student swaggering to the communal fridge in his underwear. I’m almost expecting a woman in a bathrobe to follow behind and urge him to come back to bed.'

'He asks me how my morning has been, but it’s just a ploy so he can talk about his,' Kate explains. ' "What were you doing at 5:30 this morning?" he asks, knowing full well that I was asleep with last night’s makeup forming a flaky crust on my face. He then goes on to tell me how he was up doing his tantric breathing exercises and welcoming the sunrise. He uses a different adjective to describe the sunrise everyday. This morning it was "transcendent."'

Chris’s irritating lifestyle choices have also extended to his eating habits. 'How has this somehow become my problem?' secretary Ella laments, describing how Chris joylessly raises his blood sugar with a banana at 9am, before conspicuously eating nothing until a protein bar at 12. Ella describes being held verbally hostage as he regurgitates an article he read on metabolism last night, urging her to take up Pilates to "become her best self".'

'He's handling the divorce about as well as you would expect.'

Image: Gonzalo Facello (@gonchifacello) | Unsplash Photo Community

Council defends cycle lane on staircase

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Olympic Committee set to invent ever more ludicrous cycling events

With record levels of spectators watching ridiculously-clad cyclists performing a variety of weird and wonderful so-called races, Olympic bosses are meeting regularly to discuss future ways of making track cycling even sillier.

From the ‘formation taking it in turns’ competition, which sees the race leader cycling up the banking and then joining in again at the back of the queue for no apparent reason, to the ‘dick about for a lap or two and then pedal like you're trying to set your lycra codpiece on fire’ contests, the popularity of watching outrageously daft Olympic cycling events has never been higher.

Although part of the attraction for the viewers is the hilarious garb that gullible cyclists have been persuaded to wear by unscrupulous aerodynamicists, it is the absurdity of the events themselves that has caught the public’s attention.

The highlight of the velodrome’s exhibition of preposterousness is currently the mysterious Keirin, in which cyclists follow a prospective cab driver doing ‘The Knowledge’ on a strange moped for several laps and then decide to go off on their own when he refuses to go south of the river. A more incongruous event is difficult to envisage but the Olympic experts are undaunted.

‘Our vision is to have a track cycling event that transfixes the entire world with its silliness’, explained a spokesman for the Olympic Cycling Committee. ‘Mind you,’ he admitted, ‘We’ll never be able to compete with dressage.’