Vegan bacon recalled for tasting too good

The manufacturers of a brand of vegan bacon, Rainbow Peace World Ethical Products, have today issued a recall on the grounds that their product tastes too good.

”We naively assumed what we’d done was a good thing,” said company “spokeshuman” Jolanda Kaftan-Trustfund. “It tasted just like real bacon and didn’t involve any suffering, apart from those who had to suffer the smugness of people buying it.

”However, it turns out most of our customers want it to taste pretty rank, so they can feel even smugger and more virtuous about the sacrifice they’re making in eating it.”

The company food scientists said this was no problem, they’d throw out the new, pleasant tasting recipe and go back to using sawdust mixed with vaseline, like before.

Meanwhile, Kaftan-Trustfund was dismissed from the company for not being a proper vegan, since she’d given an entire 5 minute press conference without telling anyone she was.

image from pixabay

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‘I can’t seem to see your Christmas puddings.’ Customer beaten to death with pricing gun

Supermarkets have apologised after several members of staff ‘totally lost their shit’ during the festive period. At least a dozen customers were left with life-changing injuries. Police believe staff are being ‘triggered’ by inappropriate comments during busy periods, such as ‘Do you have any of them things… you know, those things. Oh, you know… with the bits in?’

A customer in Durham was beaten with a mop for tapping on the window at 5.30 on Boxing Day morning and mouthing the words ‘are you open?’ to a cleaner. The angry cleaner was shot by armed police, but not before the early bird shopper lost both ears. A disgruntled customer in Newcastle was injured on New Year’s Day for saying ‘You seem to have run out of Easter eggs.’ She died later in hospital.

One supermarket manager said: ‘It’s been a complete bloodbath these past few days. I’ve had to put yellow cones out to stop people slipping on gore and entrails. Health and safety remains our number one priority.’

Police have asked customers to avoid using these key ‘trigger’ comments.

1. ‘Will you be open during the apocalypse?’

2. ‘Do you sell fireworks?’

3. ‘Excuse me, I know you’re balancing a pallet of highly volatile nitro-glycerine and a pyramid of overflowing champagne glasses on your head, but can you point me to the scented candles aisle?’

4. ‘Martin Lewis shall hear of this! I demand an apology, a voucher, and a blow job.’

5. ‘Got any Prime? Me need Prime. Prime good. Me need Prime good.’

The government has called a special meeting of COBRA in response to the attacks. Shelf-replenishers have had their pricing gun licenses revoked, and all staff have been given Valium and Prozac to make them more ‘relatable’ to mouth-breathing customers.