top of page
Search

Nike statement 'Sorry to all the English snowflakes we "offended" '



'What's the matter, can't you take a joke, you English snowflakes? Or is it because English snowflakes usually come with a red St George's Cross tattoo-ed on them. We wouldn't want you looking stupid.'


'Also, you will lose your minds when you realise England's away kit isn't as white as you wish everyone in the country was.'


'Legally speaking, the red of the St George's cross should be dragon's blood, but as St George was a Turkish man (probably an immigrant) and dragons don't exist, this is tricky to pull off in a modern supply chain.'


'Who knows, maybe the England men's team will win a trophy in the age of colour television and this will matter.'


'After all, the Tories and Reform would never produce blue or purple versions of that flag. At least this will identify any full kit wanker MPs.'


Image: Newsbiscuit

Next culture war to be about women who don’t stand by their men

Newsbiscuit is proud to announce that for the first time in its history, it may have been able to influence government policy.


Your reporter was dismayed to see he was followed into a pub by a bunch of oiks from Tufton Street and had to overhear their witterings as they desperately tried to come up with new ideas on who to blame for the state of Britain under the Tories, other than of course, the Tories.


Luckily I found I had been given a shilling in the change for my pint of Olde and Filthye and decided to invest it in the juke box in the hope of drowning them out. Little did I know that the juke box hadn’t had it’s records updated since the 60s and without my spectacles, I had no idea which tune I’d selected, but as luck would have it, it cleared the riff-raff out of the pub when Tammy Wynette’s advice to stand by your man blared out and the Tufty Club unanimously said “That’s it! We can blame women who don’t stand by their men. The election’s as good as won already”


We can only speculate at this stage whether Sunak will capitalise on this theme to justify why he had to sack Suella Braverman, but some at Newsbiscuit HQ are coarsely saying that with a mouth designed for giving blowjobs, Cruella will almost certainly been making a few bob on the side that Sunak never knew about.




Rishi Sunak: Culture Warrior




After some big defeats threatened to turn by elections into bye bye elections, PM Rishi Sunak was overheard listening to Monty Python's Black Knight and laughing a bit too hysterically when the Knight says 'tis but a scratch' and 'it's only a flesh wound' as his limbs are lopped off.


Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst interrupted putting stripes of camouflage paint on his face to whisper: 'Brave Rishi Sunak is tooling up for the Culture Wars. His rousing speeches sound like Henry V. Or they would if Shakespeare had written it to sound like a patronising nursery school teacher.'


'Rishi is going to be an action man - a Ken doll if you like - and nuke the culture wars like Oppenheimer. His aim is to make a country like the Daily Mail comments section - boiling with impotent rage at a world that doesn't resemble a version of a bucolic past that never existed.'


'We do our announcements in the Daily Mail now - it's the paper of record.'


'Let's just say if you're a transgender asylum seeker, things might get a little spicy. And if you live in Uxbridge and South Ruislip, it's time to stop breathing quite so deeply. Tory air is dirty air. But like man of the people Rishi says, if you need to get away, you can always get the spare jet to your place in the Caymans. Coincidentally that also works with getting away from taxes. Win win.'


bottom of page