ByBit robbers foiled, as crypto coins are imaginary, Stupid

The theft of $1.5bn of crypto currency had raised concern, until everyone calmed down and remembered it was all make-believe. Explained an economist: 'It's like Santa or a politician with integrity, none of it is real. It's as if they have stolen Jesus' signed photo of the Yeti, it's not there to begin with.'

While $1.5bn of nothing is a sizable chunk of nothing, it is still nothing. Ironically, the only people who seem upset by the theft are crypto-traders - which is not a real job to begin with. By contrast gold is very real - unless of course you are in Fort Knox, where all the gold has been replaced by the Aliens from Roswell.

'For the criminals, they have the unenviable task of counting all their imagery loot. I mean, where do you start? What happens if you miss a bit? How would you know? Try smelting down invisible loot, it's hard. Now, if ByBit were smart they should just claim they have stolen it back. Who would know?'

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Trump University to reopen with new courses and promises not to be a massive scam

After being shut down for being a massive scam, Trump University is to reopen with a brand-new set of courses for the easily manipulated.

Media Control and Propaganda Studies

The fact that you enrolled in this course shows how successful this can be

Financial Mismanagement and Money Laundering

How to prevent people following the money

Crypto investing and swindling

You will learn all sorts of new investment techniques such as “rug pulls” and “Pump and dump” which are just as hideous as they sound.

Construction Engineering of Internment camps

Lessons cover tower construction, field of fire management and anti-tunnel techniques along with how best to include a children’s play area.

Revisionist History with alternative studies

Did Hitler really do anything wrong?

Extracurricular activities could involve joining the same-coloured shirt society, this year’s colour is brown.

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Bank Man not Freed

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