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Tory NHS masterplan is to privately outsource to VIP-lane chums again


Bids for lucrative contracts to 'fix' the NHS are being Rishi-Dishied out to chums, just like those wondrous plans which kept everyone safe and happy during the height of the pandemic.


As the person most qualified to ensure that everything goes as swimmingly as last time, Michelle Mone has been appointed as 'Fix the NHS Tsar'.


Already, a £37 billion contract has neatly avoided the absent tendering process. It has gone to Matt Hancock's pub landlord to solve the ambulance backlog. It is a world-beating new system whereby nationally, up to 17 Deliveroo riders on backwards tricycles are put on standby to pedal emergency cases to the nearest private dentist, vet, or Holland & Barrett. Patients in distress will be neatly folded into their front delivery boxes and swiftly transported to the 'care centre' of not their choice. Unless it's uphill on a windy day.


A similarly lucrative contract to supply much needed hospital trolleys has gone to Liz Truss's brother's sister. Six second-hand dessert trolleys, a couple of mobile drinks cabinets, and a Lazy Susan have been sourced, which the nation is assured is more than enough to solve the health crisis by Thursday.



photo: https://pixabay.com/users/darkostojanovic-638422/

Government introduce check-a-mate covid checks for travellers

Updated: Nov 26, 2021


As the requirements for covid tests are reduced to permit British holidaymakers to return fuss-free from some of the World's hottest covid spots to THE hottest covid spot in the galaxy without the need for isolation, social distancing or avoiding swapping spit with random strangers, the government has admitted that the use of a lateral flow test that has no independent check on the result or, in fact that the test has been carried out, they have decided that a slightly less stringent test is in order.


'It's called "check-a-mate" testing,' said a government spokesman today. 'Essentially if you look at your mate and he or she look alright then you can certify him or her as covid free. Obviously they can certify you too so you don't have to go around scrabbling to find a hardly used lateral flow test. That way we can save the country from losing essential workers on return from holidays and don't have to worry that said holidaymakers might avoid paying £3 for a lateral flow test they can get for free from a government or local authority source anyway.'


Not everyone is happy with the arrangement. Barry Dickinson was awarded a lucrative holiday lateral flow test contract, to essentially hand out government bought kits for £3 a pop after a conversation with a Cabinet Minister in a pub last week. 'Country's gone to the dogs since they changed the people at the top. W@nker didn't even wear a mask, either,' grumbled Barry.






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