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A woman who says she may have opened some crisps by mistake in public when she should have been paying attention at work has been questioned by a person of average intelligence who just finds it a bit of an unlikely thing to do by mistake, and also quite an easy slip up to remedy if you had done it in error.


The crisp opener was asked, ‘When you found you had opened the crisps by mistake, and realised that right in front of you, all enticing and potatoey, there was crisps-based content for all to see, why did you not then use a method to close them again instantly? Perhaps the Klippit popularised by Lakeland, or an elastic band, or put them in a box until the time at which you did want them open and could enjoy them in private. You could even have hidden the spuddy contraband behind your back to avoid anyone looking over your shoulder and catching a glimpse of root vegetable. By keeping the crisps open, and then consuming the crisps for a period of time, people could infer, not unreasonably, that you did mean to open the crisps and then make repeated use of their rhythmic sexy crunch despite being in public.'


The woman's husband has indicated he is standing by her and stated that while he personally doesn’t approve of crisps he knows that many women enjoy them. Colleagues have said the turgid tubers offended their eyes.



Original image from Pixabay by FotoshopTofs



Britain's most essential provider of health food, Walkers crisps, has announced a devastating flat-snack shortage. A spokes-muncher for the company said through a flurry of spraying crumbs, 'An IT glitch has caused a problem in our supply process because all of our crisps are 3D printed.'


'The whole nation is holding its breath while national treasure Gary Lineker misses meal after meal. He is completely dependent on Walkers crisps for breakfast, lunch and dinner, by cheekily pinching them from attractive young women on park benches.'


'Luckily, the tremendous people of New Zealand have offered an emergency donation of a massive potato they grew which could help save millions of British lives and, most importantly, Leicester's second-favourite son.'


In markets outside the UK where Walkers products are branded differently, there is an outcry of sexual frustration due to the lack of Lays.








Football anchorman, Gary Lineker, is reported to have been suspended by the BBC, amid widespread rumours he has a potato crisp and savoury snack addiction.

Last night the corporation released a statement saying the star is currently on leave and that they are unable to confirm exactly when, or indeed if, he will be back on our screens.

Friends and colleagues alike are said to be relieved that the news is out. Alan Shearer told reporters: 'Lately, it's been awful. He can hardly get into his chair without at least three or four jumbo bags of Tyrrell's inside him, and that's just the start of it.

'During live matches, he sometimes never even bothers watching the game. He just spends the entire time wolfing down bag after bag of whatever he can lay his hands on and gets a production assistant to write him up some match notes for the autocue.'

Pundit, Jermaine Jenas, added: 'At first it was only the good gear like Walkers, M&S and Kettle Chips, but recently he's met a lad who works in a cash and carry who can supply him with hundreds of those cheap 20p bags sold in corner shops.

'That's really worrying as he can't be sure what he's putting in his body. But I've seen him polish off an entire box of 48 just in the space of one match. It's harrowing to watch.'

Meanwhile, as concerns grow for the former footballing legend, the hashtag #PrayForGaryLineker is trending across social media.


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