A descent into lozenge abuse

A NewsBiscuit investigative team provided this statement from 'Barry'.

'It started out innocent enough. Grandad would let me have a Werther's Original when I was round at his house. Then one day, when he wasn't watching, I helped myself to one of his peppermint balls. That was it. I would spend my pocket money on Polos. They lost their zing after a while and I moved onto the stronger Trebor mints.

I couldn't stop. Even when I had to get teeth pulled 'cos all the sugar made my teeth rot. I kept wanting stronger and stronger hits. Eventually, a friend offered me a Fisherman's Friend. That was it. I was up to half a packet a day.

'Happily, my family staged an intervention and arranged a consultation with a specialist. They're easing me off the strong stuff, little by little. I'm currently on a packet of Halls Mentholyptus Extra Strength. It's been tough going, but I feel that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope to be on Cheese and Onion crisps by the end of 2025.'

We wish 'Barry' well in his struggle.

Image credit: Carl Spencer, licensed under https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/

Dulwich woman finds the a*se of Jesus in a packet of Monster Munch

A woman claims she was eating a packet of beef flavoured Monster Munch, when she found one in the shape of Jesus’ a*se.

Penny Fustercluck, an unemployed motivational speaker from Dulwich said, 'I was watching Loose Women and eating some Monster Munch, when I found one in the exact shape of Jesus’ a*se. I couldn’t believe it! It was such a spiritual experience. I know you’re going to say it could have been anyone’s a*se - but I could tell straight away it was the a*se of Jesus. Who else but the Son of God could have sent me such an important sign?'

When asked if she could show us the a*se shaped Monster Munch, she replied, 'Well, no – I ate it, obviously. This is beef flavoured Monster Munch we’re talking about, they’re delicious, I couldn’t just not eat it.'

Ms Fustercluck says the experience has totally changed her outlook on life. 'That a*se shaped Monster Munch sent me a powerful message. And that message was – I should get off my a*se, and stop eating Monster Munch all day.

'In future, my life is going to be totally different, and that starts right now. I’m going to get off my a*se, and go to the shop to buy some Frazzles.'

www.newsbiscuit.com

Calls for a halt to ‘shrink-flation’ as a Freddo becomes invisible to the naked eye.

As inflation causes the cost of everyday purchases to soar, shoppers are also being hit by ‘shrink-flation’, as many food manufacturers opt to make their products smaller instead of increasing the price.

Ron Stutter, a spokesman for the consumer action group ‘Regulation In Pricing Of Food Favourites’ (RIPOFF) said, 'It’s time for manufacturers to stop treating their customers like they’re stupid. They keep making products smaller and thinking no one will notice, which is just inflation by stealth. These days many popular food items have become so small they’re hardly worth the bother. A Freddo used to be an affordable treat, but now they’re so tiny you can’t even find them in the shop without the aid of a powerful microscope. No one wants prices to go up, but at least that would be more honest. If they are going to make things smaller instead of increasing prices, they should rebrand the products so people would know what to expect, and they wouldn’t be so disappointed.

'For example, a tub of Quality Street used to be massive - it would last from Christmas Day until Pancake Day. The tubs have become noticeably smaller every year, and now they’re so small they only contain about 6 sweets, and the Toffee Pennies are more like Toffee Halfpennies. The manufacturers should be transparent about the shrinkage, and rename the tubs ‘Less Quantity Street’. A Finger of Fudge is nowhere near the size of a finger – ‘Little Toe of Fudge’ would be a more accurate description. Monster Munch were a crunchy mouthful, but they’ve shrunk so much they should now be sold as ‘Mini Munch’. Topics used to have a hazelnut in every bite, but these days you’re lucky if you can find even a tiny fragment of hazelnut. The allergy warning on the label should read ‘May contain nuts - but we’re not making any promises’. Production of ‘fun-sized’ chocolate bars such as Mars, Snickers and Bounty is pointless, as the full-sized versions have become even smaller than the ‘fun-sized’ varieties. Mini Cheddars should be renamed ‘Miniscule Cheddars’, and Polos should be called ‘Holos’, as they now contain more hole than mint.'

It has not been possible to get in touch with the food manufacturers to ask for their comments, as the contact information on their product packaging was too small to read.

Image from Pixabay by FotoshopTofs:

https://pixabay.com/photos/scientist-pathologist-1332343/