Thieves target lorry full of wigs for comedic value

A lorry full of high quality wigs has been stolen, with police claiming a connection with the recent thefts of 22 tonnes of cheddar and 2,500 pies.

‘The thieves are stealing to order,’ commented the detective in charge of a unit set-up to tackle these crimes. ‘It’s a win-win for them. Wigs, cheese and pies all have a monetary value on the black market in themselves, but the value to any aspiring comedy writer is inestimable. We receive more puns than we do tip-offs.’

The detective confirmed they were receiving a number of reports concerning stolen Christmas trees. And requested any victims reporting such crimes, to please refrain from enquiring if it has the police stumped.

Photo by Taha on Unsplash

Train delays due to 'nationwide comms fault', not Russian hackers

Recent chaos on the railways was just down to comforting old bumbling British inefficiency and nothing to do with Russian cyber attacks, according to a government spokesman.

‘It’s definitely not a cyberattack by a hostile foreign state.  We are so well-prepared for that, it’s not true.   Definitely.  Not true.

‘Investigations are underway.  We expect the problem is down to some agency staff member in IT who missed out a minus sign.  Or spilt their tea on the server.  Or forgot to do the back-up.  Or somebody cut through a critical power line.  Or something overheated.  Or because key software is running on Windows 3.1, or a ZX81 or something.   But not a Russian hack.  Definitely.

‘I must protest about the media frenzy that claims this is down to foreign hackers.   There’s an effing D notice on that, for god’s sake.   It’s just an ordinary, boring, every day cock-up.   All those ThikTok people are trying to whip up another stupid QAnon/AlAnon/OnAnOn conspiracy theory.  It’s all TikTokTosh.   NOT A HACK.  Got that?’

We approached Great British Railways for a comment, but their phones were down.

International Arrest Warrant Issued for David Walliams

The International Criminal Court has taken the unprecedented step of issuing an international arrest warrant for author and TV personality David Walliams after determining there are reasonable grounds for him committing crimes against humanity and literature.

Judges at the Hague said that the former Britain's Got Talent Judge bore responsibility for a series of atrocities such as unpalatable remarks regarding contestants, ill-thought out comedic characters, and torturing parents by churning out lazily-written stories with banal plots and questionable characters.

The action has been condemned by HarperCollins, who insist the writer's books are merely a continuation of the style of children's stories by peers going back decades. Speaking at their UK Headquarters in London, head of youth publishing Roger Roterhut told us, "Mr Walliams is a hugely successful author, with books beloved by children and their parents. Yes, you could say his writing is derivative, and relies on dated stereotypes, and the over-reliance of The Queen as deus ex machina; however, you could say that about several other luminaries of the genre, such as Roald Dahl, and he was loved by all, never saying anything contentious or that could tarnish his image. In that way, our client is exactly like Dahl, or JK Rowling."

image from pixabay