New police scandal: more time spent fighting crime than dancing at carnivals

In 2024, statistics have revealed, police shockingly spent more time fighting crime than they did dancing in large, plastic sunglasses at carnivals. For the first time this millennium, officers logged more hours conducting searches for criminals than doing the bojangle on an August Wednesday afternoon in W10. The news has been greeted with outrage across the cultural world.

‘We still have a long way to go,’ remarked a carnival organizer, ‘before the police of this country realize that their first priority is to grind uncomfortably against the rear end of a large lady bent over in front of them.’ The organizer was referring to the dance style of ‘daggering’ in which the male dancer rams his crotch area into the female dancer’s buttocks, paradoxically enhancing their esteem in the public view. Only male police officers are permitted to participate, though they may choose either role.

The police were founded by Sir Robert Peel with the specific remit to ‘let loose at all public assemblies where music be played loudethly.’ But critics are now accusing them of what is being termed dancestitutional racism. ‘This country clearly has a dancestitutionally racist police force,’ said one community events liaison consultation agent spokesperson. ‘What we want to see at a carnival is the police on their own float, with officers dressed in rainbow skin-tight leotards slithering manically up and down poles, as little children watch from the kerbside.’

Some have gone further. Another community events liaison consultation agent spokesperson has demanded that the police institute their own carnival. ‘There should be a 16 day event held annually in either Birmingham or London at which every single police officer in the country attends with badge number visible. To prove themselves true protectors of all communities they must then take ket and grind until they require medical attention. This would significantly reduce crime.’

But would it make the police less dancestitutionally racist? ‘No, it wouldn’t,’ said the community events liaison consultation agent spokesperson. ‘Due to inequalities in the structure of dance, the police are and will always remain dancestitutionally racist.’

Picture credit: Wix AI

Criminal who represented himself doesn't do himself justice

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Crumbling sewer system danger to fleeing robbers

The utility companies responsible for Britain’s waste water infrastructure have today acknowledged the system can no longer be considered safe and have issued advice to vagabonds escaping capture to hightail it above ground instead.

Recent surveys by hi-viz people with tripods noticed that masonry falling onto their hard hats could possess a danger to villains without hard hats making a quick, albeit foul-smelling, getaway, knocking them unconscious and exacerbating the problem of clogging.

Utility accountants believe the extra manpower involved to unplug chancer stiffs from key intersections could raise domestic bills by two hundred percent over the next decade and twice as much before. Loftier economists predict the irretrievable loss of stolen valuables from such incidents would have a devastating effect on the UK’s post-Brexit deregulated economy.

Defective structural integrity within a main sewer recently forced the closure of London’s trendiest gin bar: a hollowed-out fatberg below Covent Garden, called ‘Rubber Johnny’s’.

The bar’s owner, who had spent three years carving out the interior of a solid block of fat the size of a single-decker bus, was reportedly devastated as he’d suffered four near-death asphyxiations, endured a Heimlich manoeuvre to remove a disposable nappy from his windpipe, and lost valuable custom.

Although sightings are yet to be confirmed visually; workers with university degrees spreading blueprints out on a table believe rats the size of furry crocodiles, and crocodiles the size of four-legged whales, are the main perpetrators of brickwork damage. To a lesser extent; decades of underfunding leading a failure to maintain routine wear and tear.

The government has promised substantial nodding to claims for financial support, but believe the monumental task of renovation of public sewers remains the remit of water companies. Comment from the water companies was asked, but none received, as they are currently enjoying their Christmas parties in Las Vegas.

Photo by Martin Brechtl on Unsplash