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The Met. Police have corrected and reissued their crime figures for the last ten years, after an unfortunate series of errors in data collection and processing.


The affected figures relate to the detection rate for murders. These figures have now been revised down from percentages in the high nineties to the low forties. The incorrect figures erroneously included crimes solved by officers on loan to other police forces.


This large correction is due to the inclusion of murders solved by a number of different detectives on secondment. The issue relates mainly to staff on loan to the police force in the fictional British overseas territory of Saint Marie.


A spokesman said, ‘The figures were distorted by the very high number of murders on the island of Saint Marie – at least one a week – and by the very impressive clear up rate of one hundred per cent. Our colleagues on loan to the Saint Marie police service have a fantastic record, and we are looking to learn lessons from them going forward.


‘Of course, you don’t have to go abroad to find great detection rates. There is an English police force with a record that is just as good. It’s in Midsomer.’





In a new cost-cutting measure, it was announced today that the police service will be disbanded and replaced by an email autoresponder. 


'We’ve been paving the way for this for years,” said a spokesman today. “You report a burglary via a website, you get an email giving you a crime number, and then literally nothing else happens. By now, no one in their wildest dreams imagines a copper will actually come to their house to take a statement or dust for fingerprints, let alone that their property will ever be recovered.


'The email will include a link to Victim Support, though obviously it’ll be provided by AI rather than an actual person. You’ll be asked how much the crime has upset you on a scale of 1-10, then the system will respond with the appropriate level of transparently fake sympathy.'


However, some have objected that while this might be OK for trivial crimes like burglary and assault, it’s entirely inappropriate for serious crimes like sexist language and refusing to respect someone’s preferred pronouns.





After being shut down for being a massive scam, Trump University is to reopen with a brand-new set of courses for the easily manipulated.


Media Control and Propaganda Studies

The fact that you enrolled in this course shows how successful this can be

Financial Mismanagement and Money Laundering

How to prevent people following the money

Crypto investing and swindling

You will learn all sorts of new investment techniques such as “rug pulls” and “Pump and dump” which are just as hideous as they sound.

Construction Engineering of Internment camps

Lessons cover tower construction, field of fire management and anti-tunnel techniques along with how best to include a children’s play area.

Revisionist History with alternative studies

Did Hitler really do anything wrong?


Extracurricular activities could involve joining the same-coloured shirt society, this year’s colour is brown.


Image: WixAI

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