.
top of page
Search
The England and Wales Cricket Board, the national governing body of cricket, has announced a significant change to the rules for assessing the outcome of matches shortened by natural events.
"If one side in a fixed-over cricket match were prevented from playing their full allocation of overs, because of rain or bad light or other natural disasters, how could you tell who had actually won? Previously, two very clever statisticians, Mr Duckworth and Mr Lewis had come up with a system that dealt with that problem. The Duckworth-Lewis method calculated all the various intricacies of runs, wickets, overs, and balls, and determined the winner. Unfortunately, however, that meant that occasionally England still lost. We had to find a better, more effective, means.
"Luckily, we have found two gentlemen whose expertise is exactly in this area of being prevented from completing their expected tasks, for reasons they assure us were completely outside their control. Both of them experienced this end of play in their respective fields. Mr Schofield and Mr Johnson have come up with a modern equivalent which doesn't require calculations, algorithms, formulae or even numbers at all. The Schofield-Johnson method simply insists that they were right all along. No matter what evidence is presented, the new system says, 'No, no, no, England won. That's all there is to it. And anyone who disagrees is obviously quite mistaken and has an alternative agenda. They want England to lose and would throw their country under a cardboard bus to ensure it happens.
The EWCB did some trials with a Trump-Johnson variation, but, regardless of the result, an angry mob ended up storming the pavilion and abusing the cucumber sandwiches in Latin.
Hat tip to FlashArry
Image: PDPics - Pixabay
In the aftermath of the USA’s shock win over Pakistan in the T20 Cricket World Cup, Warner Brothers has greenlighted the script of ‘American Cricket!’ for production next summer.
In ‘American Cricket!’ we follow the adventures of a bunch of amateur college kids who play cricket in their spare time under the management of wise old West Indies legend Sir Viv Richards (Morgan Freeman) and captained by Chuck ‘Sixhit’ Patterson (Ryan Reynolds) as they fight the Pakistan team’s evil plan to drop a series of incendiary bombs disguised as cricket balls on the White House and Trump Tower.
The USA squad is hit by tragedy early on when Chuck’s best friend and the only black player on the squad, fast-pitcher Ricky Ray Reems (Martin Lawrence), is killed in a mysterious incident while they inspect the square at Met Life Stadium in New Jersey. Nonetheless, they bravely fight on to secure a last-ball win over Papua New Guinea.
In the divisional round, the plucky underdogs come up against a sneering upper class England team, managed by villainous Sir Henry Ffarquarshon-Smythe (Jeremy Irons) who try to re-establish colonial control over the liberty-loving Americans. They are foiled when last-minute replacement Steve ‘Rock-Hard’ Watson (Vin Diesel) pitches a no-hitter to send the crowd into wild chants of ‘U-S-A! U-S-A!’ at the last-ball win.
In the final, even more villainous Pakistan captain Osama Bin Badman (is Omar Sharif still alive? Please check) begins their innings with a murderous assault in which over 50,000 rounds of bullets are fired but none of the Americans get hurt. Then in a tense finish, Chuck manages to hit a home run over deep midwicket to seal another last ball win.
At some point Chuck’s beautiful blonde girlfriend Casey (Margot Robbie) will get her kit off, because of course she will.
image from pixabay
bottom of page