UK travellers to be given advanced new 'coin toss' test for Covid

Holidaymakers returning to the UK are to be given a scientifically advanced 'coin toss' test to decide whether they should go into quarantine for Covid.

This follows the revelation that only one in twenty of the PCR tests that international travellers must take are properly checked using genome sequencing to uncover dangerous Covid variants.

“What this effectively means is that people have been paying an average of £75 each for a bloke in a lab to hold their sample up to the light and say ‘looks all right to me,’” said a spokesman for NHS Test and Trace.

“Our new system is cheaper, quicker and no less random. Upon disembarking, every passenger must queue up, pay £50 and then shuffle past a grumpy Border Force official who spins a coin and says: ‘heads: you’re clear’ or ‘tails: go into quarantine in a hotel and spend £2,000 you can’t afford.’

“It is scientifically proven,” said the spokesman, “because the science says beyond doubt that the coin will always come down on one side or another. It also means the government can keep the profits flowing to their chums in the private sector who wangled contracts to carry out Covid testing.”

It is thought the coin toss test was dreamt up on the spot by prime minister Boris Johnson during a cabinet meeting while ministers were playing ‘spin the bottle’ to decide who would be the next chief executive of the NHS.

Traffic lights on UK roads to have 50 shades of amber

The once elegant system of stop and go has been deconstructed by a very clever kerfuffle of men who know what is best for the people of Britain.

In happier, simpler times, a chap could be trained to do the highly skilled job of standing in a sunny country lane, armed with one of the most powerful tools ever created. The tool could literally halt traffic, including heavy goods vehicles and Austin Maestros with faulty brakes. But with a deft flip, that very same tool could grant freedom to those who had waited patiently for passage beyond roadworks.

Some say that it all went wrong when the red stop, green go system was upgraded by Ambrose Rudd, the great, great, no really great grandfather of former Home Secretary Amber Rudd. A man of well concealed wisdom, Ambrose Rudd invented a yellowy colour with no name which could be squished between stop and go. The genius of it was that it meant neither stop nor go, which was precisely what everyone hadn't realised they didn't need.

But that wasn't enough. The doubt and hesitation caused by a sort of yellowy-orange light needed improvement. A devious spiv who hung out on shadowy street corners by the name of Flash 'Arry made his fortune by adding a complex sequence to the light which followed the pattern: on, off, on, off... Where 'Arry got his idea from has never been indicated.

A dubious acquaintance of Flash 'Arry with the street name Mad Jez Avenue later suggested that sometimes the orange light could be on, sometimes off, and sometimes follow the nutty sequence proposed by 'Arry. It was agreed that this was the ultimate thinking on the subject, and all traffic lights everywhere followed this convention for many years. Except ones in Bulgaria which did away with red and green altogether.

But following a global test during the past year, a trusted authority on all subjects called Grant Shapps has developed an innovative concept. Joyously, the concept enables the current system of traffic lights to be replaced with an even simpler fiasco. There will be no consultation, and all traffic lights will be replaced with immediate effect, the contract for the upgrades rightly awarded without oversight to a company called Not Grant Shapps Ltd.

Road users will be required to instantly distinguish and know the meaning of massive boards of 50 lights, each lamp a slightly different shade of amber. Sometimes some of them will be on, sometimes others, sometimes some will blink, sometimes some will come on, and then immediately go off again the moment drivers have proceeded. Most importantly, anyone finding themselves stranded in a mangled wreck of twisted steel in the middle of a road junction will be deported to Bulgaria.

'Desperate' World Health Boffins Seek Guidance From Facebook Headbanger

The beleaguered World Health Organisation have sought advice on battling the covid-19 health emergency from an opinionated, know-nothing ponce with a Facebook page who regularly regales his meagre readership with unsubstantiated tripe about vaccine efficacy, anti-lockdown initiatives and the role of Bill Gates in turning vaccinated people into magnetised automatons with the ability to send and receive Bluetooth.

A WHO spokesman told newsmen last night: "We are extremely concerned by the various strains of coronavirus that seem to be mutating into ever-more virulent manifestations.

"With our scientists at a loss and our medical experts at their lowest ebb, we have decided to ask for help from a feeble-minded, conspiracy fucknut from Facebook.

"Hopefully, he'll be able to put us straight on the futility of deploying a vaccine programme worldwide and steer us onto a more clear-headed path that involves Tom Hanks, Covid-19 5G lamppost-based transmitters, and urging people to attend mass bleach-drinking rallies across the globe."

This latest volte-face comes just a week after Health Secretary, Sajid Javid, issued a directive, urging Brits to push homoeopathic capsules containing grass cuttings up each other's bottoms if they start losing their sense of taste and smell as previously suggested by somebody's Aunty Beryl on Twitter.

Danny Soz