'Covid passports would be unfair' says smug b*'tard who already has Covid Pass

A total bastard who gets off on causing bitter division between other people at every opportunity is going around saying that Covid passports in England would cause division between people and would be unfair.

'Covid passports are a great idea and we are definitely doing that,' said the utter bastard, not even pausing for breath before immediately following those words with, 'Covid passports are unnecessary and would be unfair, so that's not happening.'

Asked if the existing NHS Covid Pass - which anyone who has been double jabbed can request online and have posted to them - happens to be everything a Covid passport is except in name, the complete bastard said, 'Absolutely not,' tucking his very own NHS Covid Pass document into his blazer pocket.

Further pushed on the point that regardless of whether Covid passports would be a good thing or a bad thing, people arguing about whether England should have them or not is somewhat futile if anyone can get an NHS Covid Pass whenever they want, the uberbastard added, 'As long as the whole country is arguing about it, then they are not noticing me embezzling billions of taxpayer money, are they?'

Image: Pixabay/geralt

Covid welcomes relaxation of restrictions on Covid

In a prepared statement, coronavirus has spoke of his relief to be getting out and about after the restrictions on movement were lifted: ‘It's been a long tough summer. And I haven't been able to attend as many festivals as I hoped. Vaccines? Well, I'd be lying if I said they made me feel a bit unwelcome. But clearly the relaxed protections mean you missed me all along.'

‘I'm pleased they’ve removed Covid precautions at schools. It’s just great to see all those smiling - maskless – faces. Next, let's get rid of all that boring hand-washing, okay? I'm particularly grateful to all those businesses that insisted their staff should be onsite – you’ve definitely got your priorities right. I'm just happy to be visiting relatives ... your relatives, their relatives, anyone’s relatives really. I'm just a people person.'

Image: syaibatuhamdi/Pixabay

Joe Rogan to fight Covid MMA style

Mr. Rogan, has agreed to do battle with the coronavirus in a caged ICU, with nothing but bare knuckles and a fist full of paracetamol. Initially the podcaster was reluctant to fight, as he felt that MMA sounded a bit too much like the MMR jab.

The bout, of sickness, will be held over three rounds, with points for a KO or a DOA. Both fighters will be allowed to use any part of their bodies, although Covid is likely to focus on the lungs.

Explained a virologist: ‘Joe’s theory that fit and healthy people are statistically less likely to die from Covid is technically true but by the same measure, so is jumping out of a plane without a parachute’.

Rogan is said to be confident of beating the virus, although he had lost his previous 10 fights to baldness.

photo: Claudio_Scott @ Pixabay