Brave Brits fighting back against do-gooders

An underground movement of heroic Britons is finally poised to take on the anti-growth, probably bearded, woke fanatics who are trying to destroy our British way of life with pronouns, improved energy efficiency and vaccines. Bastards.

Barry Evans (45) of Wolverhampton is one of the rebels. 'They want us to insulate our lofts, which seems reasonable till you realise it’s the thin end of the wedge. Next they’ll ask us all to hug a baby seal or eat vegan sausage rolls. If I wanted nature I’d put David Attenborough on.'

Barry isn’t alone. Well, obviously he is, but he isn’t the only rebel. Pete Housman (43) from Rotherham told us 'These do-gooders make me want to puke. They go on about fracking but the yanks have it and they pay about twenty pee a gallon. It isn’t as if Britain has its own supply of petrol. What? The North Sea? Isn’t that in France or something?'

Darren Wimborne (44) from Bristol is still angry about the Covid lockdowns. 'We’ve become a fascist state where an Englishman can’t go about his lawful business,' he told reporters. 'If I want an avoidable death I’ll bloody have one. It’s in the Magna Carta.'

Rebels have threatened to dress up as superheroes and burn effigies of Eddie Izzard unless the Black Lives Matter movement renames itself Every Life Matters. Other protest activities include folding their arms in the pub, adopting a smug expression, making jokes about "feeble" vegans and retweeting whatever Piers Morgan just said.

In what may be their master stroke, Bill Gates is unable to track them because they haven’t been vaccinated, so he’s having to waste his time curing malaria and other woke nonsense instead. That’ll teach him.

www.newsbiscuit.com

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Boris ‘playing 4-D Eurovision chess’

Boris Johnson has been unmasked as the brilliant architect of a secret 20-year plan to win Eurovision.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst was one of the few aides in the know ‘Boris was a massive fan of 2003's nul pointers Jemini. Boris knew we needed a comeback story so first he had to make all of Europe hate us. Hence Brexit. Then he had to make Europe feel sorry for us, by making life excruciatingly miserable here. Hence Brexit, austerity, NHS underfunding, corruption, racism, Covid contracts, partygate and Priti Patel in general. Lastly, he needed a villain, so Boris took dodgy Russian money for the Tories and laundered more through London. Next year sympathy for Ukraine will be down and Britannia will rule the sound waves.’

‘Clearly, Cheryl Baker’s skirt being whipped off had quite the effect on the young Boris.’

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Still time for nuclear war to save us from The Nan Movie, insists expert

There is still hope that a nuclear apocalypse could occur in the next day and spare humanity from The Nan Movie, according to an expert closely monitoring the situation.

Amnesty International have been campaigning against the impending release of the feature length film based on Catherine Tate's "beloved" character. Having exhausted all legal routes to halt the atrocity, nuclear war is now seen as the world's best hope.

'The production and distribution of 90 minute movies based on one-dimensional characters is explicitly forbidden under the terms of the Geneva Convention, which classes it as a crime against humanity,' explained Michael Oliver, from Amnesty,

'Unfortunately Catherine Tate and Warner Bros, drunk on misplaced confidence in their own creative genius, have ignored this and plan to release this film across the UK on March 18th in an act of pure barbarism. Our only remaining hope is that Russia's invasion of Ukraine spirals quickly into a full-blown global nuclear war, annihilating the world's population before they can be exposed to the movie.'

The Nan Movie was originally scheduled for release in 2020 but was postponed due to cinemas being closed during Covid-19 restrictions. The ongoing pandemic is widely believed to have been significantly less damaging to the mental health of the wider public.

'If the release of The Nan Movie is not somehow stopped then who knows what other atrocities could follow in an escalation,' continued Oliver,

'We could be looking at a sequel in a year or so or, even worse, a new Mrs Brown's Boys film.'

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