Nicola Sturgeon failed to pass semaphore messages to enquiry

Following a furore regarding the failure to retain WhatsApp messages sent and received during the pandemic, the Scottish First Minister at the time explained that unlike the London based government she didn't use WhatsApp for official messages and had set her phone to auto delete messages including the controversial Scottish Country dancing group, Scottish not so young bakers group and several groups related to virtual birthday parties.  All the messages have been provided to the enquiry via other respondents in each group including the motorhome group exchanges, which are being poured over by an unusually large number of researchers for reasons not yet understood.

Critics of the then First Minister have not been assuaged by the revelation that she used official channels for all formal communications and had contemporaneous and handwritten notes copied to the official files, and have asked for further evidence that she didn't pass every passing thought to the enquiry, including an allegation that senior SNP officials used semaphore as a means to pass messages they didn't want making public, despite requiring the senders and receivers needing to stand on public hilltops in Scotland in plain sight. 

A spokesman commented that flag waving was something 'Miss Sturgeon did do at the time, but not to convey messages related to the pandemic response'.

There is an underlying belief by some that the First Minister may have got around formal records requirements by relaying messages through the medium of interpretive dance, however the spokesman suggested they might be getting confused with the UK MP, Theresa May.

Image: Pixabay/Clkr-Free-Vector-Images

Bare chested Boris Johnson requests trial by combat at Covid enquiry

In a surprising legal manoeuvre, a bare chested, war-painted Boris Johnson has announced that he will request a trial by combat at his upcoming appearance at the ongoing Covid enquiry.

"Hear this", he bellowed, slapping his chest, "the past is the past, if you wish to pass judgement on me, you must best me in wrestling or a physical encounter of the enquiries choice. I can shoot, I can fence, I can grapple, I can shin kick with the best of them!"

Mr Johnson's tactics were clearly an aggressive tactic to put the board on the back foot. His posturing was accompanied by the unedifying sight of his naked upper torso daubed in Union flag colour war paints and a crudely placed pith helmet on his head.

"I will take on all-comers, only those who best me, can question my actions!" At this point, he ripped off his tearaway trousers revealing a thong with a picture of Nadine Dorries on the pouch. The crowd gasped and began to frenziedly back away from the terrifying sight.

The commission responded that Mr Johnson's request will be assessed but whatever happens he will be required to wear safety trousers at all times for fear of mass impregnation.

image from pixabay

Bill Gates ‘up all night’ tracking vaccinated people

Software magnate Bill Gates has told of his ‘utter exhaustion’ after tracking billions of people who have received a Covid vaccine.

'Initially I thought it would be fun”, he told NewsBiscuit. “Knowledge is power, so knowing that Marjorie Perks goes to Asda every Thursday would be useful. Or something.”

Gates hadn’t fully appreciated the effects of the Earth’s rotation, meaning that half of the people he was tracking would be active during his night time. To make it worse, he is using Microsoft software to track people, meaning that he needs to hit CTRL-ALT-DEL every few hours and occasionally reinstall his operating system.

'I have fresh respect for Santa”¸ he said. “There are just too many people on this damn planet."

Anti-vaxxers say they have no sympathy for Gates. “That’s why I wouldn’t let them poison me,” said Chad, a registered moron from Utah. 'I’m glad it’s keeping him awake. Sheeple need to wake up. Now pass me that bleach would you, it’s time for my daily injection.”

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