Johnson Creates Two New Regulators -OffHead and OffT*ts - In Whitehall Shake-up

It has been announced that two new wholly independent regulatory bodies are to be established, in the public interest. The Office of Hospitality, Enjoyment and Alcoholic Drinks (OffHead) will have a broad remit and terms of reference. It will have responsbility for both quality - no rubbish plonk at official gatherings - and value for money, e.g. are extra discounts available from selected retailers for bulk purchasing of 3 suitcases or more.

OffHead will have a partner authority whose surprise appointment as Chief is Michael Gove. With a similar public exposure, this Regulator of Tonics, Intemperance, Thrills and Stimulants (OffTits) will be in good hands. And noses. It will focus on solid results, as opposed to the liquid assets of OffHead.

A spokesman for No.10 Downing Street commented, "The Prime Minister is well aware of public disquiet regarding the recent Sue Gray report, and the appalling behaviour by junior staff who should have known better. The creation of these two authorities will ensure that in future everyone understands what is required for the good of the Party. And a good Party will mean we are all subject to OffHeads and OffTits checks throughout. Now, please, I think what people wish us to do is move on from this. Yeah, move on. I'm gonna move, move on down the line. Wanna get some love, a love that's truly fine. Oh I'm gonna show you a-way so hot, I'm gonna get what you ain't got ... <deep sniff> I'm sorry, could you repeat that question?"

Image: Pixabay/Mrskirstyholl

Boris Johnson ambushed by cake, wine, fizz, spirits, party-goers, strippers and a donkey. Six times.

Those still straining every sinew to save the bacon of Prime Minister Boris Johnson have reiterated that he was ambushed by cake, wine, fizz, spirits, party-goers he wanted present, and organised party 'activities' he was well up for. Six times.

When questioned by colleagues, the police, and under strict parliamentary oath on multiple occasions, there was definitely no Downing Street party during lockdown and absolutely no rules enforced by him on everybody including himself were broken.

If there was a party, he definitely didn't know one was going on in his own home. If he was photographed at a party partying, then everyone must wait to be reminded if they were there by Sue Gray. If it happened at least six times during strict national lockdown, then he only accidentally walked in on one of them for five minutes, but certainly no more than a couple of hours on his birthday and promptly left. If he was there for longer, then he was tied to a chair against his will and definitely didn't want to be there while he shouted 'Bobba want suckle-suckle' at the strippers.

If he was caught bang to rights at all of the parties like a rubbish thief who shits in the fridge, photographed several times, and proven to have uber-lied on multiple occasions to his colleagues, police, parliament, and the nation, then they weren't parties, they were highly important work meetings, or they were parties but in a place where the boundaries of work and home are blurred, or they were somehow both parties and not parties at the same time, or they were so unimportant because big things are happening now, or Keir Starmer having a beer is worse, or look over there at that expired pussy, or Europe did it, or whatever anybody with a brain the size of a mungbean might believe and let him off for. Again.

Any connection between a party he didn't go to on the 13th November 2020, and requirements to self isolate from the 15th November 2020 are purely coincidental. And the donkey at the party with Boris Johnson on the 13th has only been pixelated to protect its guilt.

Hat-tip Mick Turate

Government Facing Growing Backlash from Homeowners Forced to Live with Covid

The PM is facing mounting resentment after forcing citizens into co-habitation with Covid.

It comes weeks after a dramatic government U-Turn. All previous policy mandated staying well away from the disease and to follow dramatic and usually illogical rules to keep it out of the home. However, new policy requires anyone not medically exempt to ‘start living with Covid.’

‘We follow government advice to the letter, but welcoming Covid into the very heart of our family is just too much', said Stephen Jarvis, Seaham U13s Chess Champion, 1984. 'It's a destructive houseguest, and it just sort of hovers around the house, lingering annoyingly in the air'.

Miriam Caltrop of Henor was equally disappointed. ‘At first we were excited. We thought that inviting Covid into our homes was a small price to pay for everything getting back to normal,’

‘But then things turned sour, (especially food and smells). Covid became clingy and wouldn’t let us leave the house. They didn’t help with the chores or pay bills, which became problematic as we couldn’t go to work.

'And this is against a background fear that they may suddenly turn on you and maliciously murder you in your sleep. By the end, we were left feeling exhausted and drained and wishing they would just go.’

Homeowner associations are arguing that spare rooms could be better used to welcome foster children or refugees. However, the government reiterated that Covid was now the public’s responsibility and until they could rehome it humanely, there simply wasn’t room for other more deserving guests.

Image: Pixabay/BlenderTimer