Explaining the new ruling, a health spokesperson said: 'I know we said you needed them and technically syphilis is still a thing, but we need to protect your freedom to experience unwanted pregnancy. Besides, men look like an idiot with one on. How is your penis expected to breathe?. And the PM has been leading on this for years'.
Amid reports that up to 30 members of staff, interior decorators and family members met indoors to celebrate Boris Johnson's birthday during lockdown, the government has insisted that the whole meeting was carried out in compliance with COVID rules..
'The singing of Happy Birthday was carried out twice while the chef who cut the cake washed his hands, in line with government guidance at the time, said a spokesperson..
Responding to critics that the Prime Minister risked spreading Covid particles by blowing out the candles the government spokesman replied that removing a fire risk was an acceptable reason for not wearing a mask and was carried out entirely in the public interest.
Following insatiable public demand Waterstones booksellers have confirmed they will be opening their stores at Midnight so eager readers can get their hands on the Sue Gray report as soon as it’s published
‘We’re definitely going. My nine year old is absolutely Sue Gray mad’ explained Ipswich mother of two Louise Phillips, ‘He just loves government inquiries. He practically knows The Levenson Report off by heart and he’s always dressing up as his favourite characters’
‘I’ve lost count of the number of times he’s come down to breakfast in his favourite blonde wig, opened up a bottle of Barolo and sat around babbling for 25 minutes before jumping up and saying “I’m sorry I thought this was a work meeting” and leaving the room’
‘The only downside is that he’s become a bit of a self entitled, randy prick with no moral compass or empathy who must be stopped at any cost, but I’m sure it’s just a phase he’s going through’
A spokeswoman for Waterstones confirmed the event earlier today. ‘We’re so excited. We had great success with previous midnight openings for the last Harry Potter and the Collected Speeches of Anne Widdecombe so we thought why not do it again?’
‘They’ll be face painting for the kiddies, Chateuneuf-du-Pape for the grown ups and we’re even selling a special limited edition that comes in its own presentation fridge with a 2kg wheel of Stilton’
‘We had hoped to have some of the stars of the report down for the opening as well. We tried inviting Rishi Sunak but for some reason no-one could track him down anywhere.’
