Judges urged to stop using the word 'fisticuffs'

There was amusement today in the High Court during Mr Justice Bufton-Tufton’s summing up in the case of Rex vs Sawdust.

'Being unable to resolve your differences in a civilised manner, you then resorted to fisticuffs,' said the judge, before looking up to see where the ill-disguised snorts of laughter had come from.

'I’m sorry, m’lord,' smirked Counsel for the Prosecution Sir Timothy Shirehorse, 'but it does sound very funny when you say that word.'

'What, fisticuffs?' asked the judge, causing another outbreak of mirth. This prompted a furious reaction from the judge, who threatened to hold anyone else who laughed in contempt of court.

'Anyone else feel like a giggle?' he asked, prowling around the courtroom. 'What about you, stenographer? Do you find it… wisible… when I say the word… fisticuffs?' The stenographer just about managed to keep a straight face and shake his head.

'I must admit, I love it when he gets the affray cases,' said DI Steve Concrete afterwards. 'You just know he’s gonna say it. But it’s so hard not to laugh. I have to make sure I don’t catch the Chief Super’s eye, or else we’ll both be off.'

For his part, the judge said he didn’t understand all the fuss about a word that was perfectly commonplace at Eton in the 1920s.

'Next they’ll be saying that describing someone as a ‘rum old cove’ is outdated.'

Picture credit: Wix AI (Judge in a wig - still hilarious)

Rebekah Vardy says "Best of five?"

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Mark King's thumb to sue for mistreatment and loss of earnings

In a legal first, the right thumb of legendary Level 42 Bassist, Mark King, is to sue its owner for sustained cruelty, mistreatment and loss of earnings spanning a period of over forty years.

The thumb told Rolling Stone: 'I've had enough. For as long as i can remember he's been bashing the living daylights out of me and knocking me against steel cables without so much as even a thought for my wellbeing. His behaviour has been callous in the extreme. Why couldn't he just use a plectrum like many other bassists?

'Do you know that he once had me insured for £3 million pounds. Well precious little I saw of that, I can tell you.

When he's been getting all the plaudits, not to mention the money, over the years all I've been getting is appalling treatment with nothing to show for being integral in creating his so-called "sound".'

Showbiz legal hotshots are watching developments in the case closely, as they believe that should the thumb's lawsuit prove successful then the floodgates will open with many other celebrity body parts trying their luck through the courts.

Already said to be high on the list are Mick Jagger's lips, Kylie Minogue's bum and Dolly Parton's breasts.

There are also as yet unconfirmed reports, that in a preemptive move, a crack legal team has already been briefed by Donald Trump's penis.

Photo by freestocks on Unsplash