Countdown clock to Kate Middleton's 50th birthday denied by tabloid newspapers

Fawning tabloid newspapers wringing every last reason out of running Kate Middleton pics have 'found no evidence' of clocks ticking down to her 50th birthday.

'We don't need a clock,' said the editor of one tabloid newspaper so grim, its pages come pre-stuck together. 'When she hits that point where she's too old and not sexy enough any more, we'll know it and pivot to slagging her off. Or we might just ignore her completely. We have a special skillset in judging when middle-aged women become worthless to us as objectifying them based solely on their looks. We've had a good run out of Kate, but someone else will come along who will take her place. Has Charlotte Church had a foxy young daughter yet?

'Even if she hasn't, then we can always fabricate a thousand reasons to run old pictures of a young Lady Di again. Our only real concern is that our readers might catch gay off Eurovision.'

image from pixabay

Countdown clock goes into injury time

There will be an additional nine minutes at the end of each 30-second game as Countdown's world governing body has increased the time added to the end of each game to allow for injuries, substitutions, time-wasting and streakers.

'What would normally have been completed in the allotted half-minute, will now take about 19 times longer,' confirmed World Countdown President Jimmy Infantile. 'One episode will now last two days, and this year's Countdown World Cup will run until 2045.'

'Although 83% of our viewers won't live to see the final, to accommodate for all of the extra ticks, the Countdown clock has been increased to the size of Wales, and the music will be an extended 12-inch trance mix version of our much-loved signature tune.'

NewsBiscuit would like to issue an apology to its readers for extending this article longer than it needed to be, when it was pretty much done by the mention of streakers.

Image: 3209107 | Pixabay

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