COP26: 'Behold, for I am the saviour of the world' Johnson heard claim

It has been claimed Boris Johnson has personally taken credit for saving the world from falling into the abyss following the underwhelming conclusion to the COP26 conference in Glasgow.

'I did it. It was all me, Doomsters and gloomsters say it's a bad result, but I simply say piffle and nonsense. Look, on an auspicious day like today, it's an amazing victory, one which would never have been won were it not for my amazing ability to get the job done.' a cock-a-hoop Mr Johnson was overheard boasting.

Mr Johnson’s spokesman explained: 'How did he do it? Well, once again he’s simply lying through his teeth, and as he told Alok: do the same if anyone asks any tricky questions. It's been a proven winning strategy.

'In a few weeks' time when the world realises just exactly what has been achieved, it will be too late. But significantly, the PM won't give two hoots, because you see, he'll have had the bounce from this in the popularity polls and the idiotic British electorate will think he’s fab again.

'Then all he need do is lie completely doggo for a couple of years, pop up again in time for the next general election; hide in a few fridges while on the campaign trail, speak to no one dangerous in the media, and simply tell massive whoppers one after another at rallies. That's certain to see him returned for a second term.'

Boris Johnson Politician Prime - Free image on Pixabay

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COP26 delegates shocked as Planet Earth says “I don’t need saving."

It’s been the overriding message of COP26 and all previous such gatherings that unless we all act quickly then our planet is doomed. “Not so.” says the Earth after taking to social media to refute any suggestion that it’s in any sort of danger at all.

It describes such talk as typical human hubris. “It’s true mankind might be in imminent danger of extinction, an event that can’t come soon enough as far as I’m concerned, but I shall be here for another few billion years yet. And nothing you smart arses do will change that.”

Asked about the threat of global warming, extreme weather, or nuclear winter, Earth’s response was a matter-of-fact, “Bring it on.” And concluded by saying, “I heard exactly the same thing from the bloody dinosaurs. Oooh no, the end of the world is nigh. I’ll admit that asteroid stung like hell for a few hundred years, but I’m still here, and they’re not.”

Image: Unsplash/The New York Public Library

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Climate change beaten after Tory MP takes it on as second job

COP26 has been deemed a “resounding success” by scientists after former cabinet minister Nigel Huntington-Smith MP attended it in the capacity of his new second job as a professional eco-warrior.

Mr Huntington-Smith is MP for Warmington-on-Sleaze and served as Minister for Toadying in David Cameron’s cabinet. He is being paid Greta Thunberg’s pocket money for his new role.

“We all know that Tory MPs give their second jobs much more attention, care and effort than they do being an MP and are much more successful in them as a result,” one scientist said.

“I had thought that even with the promises being made at COP26 we were doomed, but now Mr Huntington-Smith is being paid to sort it out, it looks like it will be alright after all.”

The MP was previously known as a climate change sceptic and also holds roles advising a number of fossil fuel firms, but scientists are not worried about this. “We predict he’ll believe anything for the right price,” one said.

Following Mr Huntingdon-Smith’s appearance at the climate change summit, scientists revised their predictions to include global temperature increases to be at manageable levels, coal and gas to magically become clean and sustainable fuel, extinct species to return and net-zero to be reached in every country by Sunday teatime.

Meanwhile, Labour has become the latest political party to become involved in the scandal surrounding MP’s second jobs, after it emerged Keir Starmer is being paid to lead an opposition to the Government.

“I had no idea he was leading an opposition,” one outraged Labour voter in his constituency said. “He has kept that job very quiet – I haven’t seen him doing it all. It is a disgrace. We should have known he was supposed to be doing that when we voted for him.”

Image: Pixabay/stevepb

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