Great British Menu slammed 'pretentious, dangerous and out of control'

Chaos ensued on BBC’s cooking show Great British Menu, when one dish caused a major emergency and very nearly burnt the presenter and studio to the ground.

Contestant Paul Champion was recreating his much-praised: Ironic Vesuvius Erupting Amid Clouds of Compassion Caught Somewhere In Gran’s Fading Mind, paying homage to the NHS, when things went badly wrong.

'I had just sprinkled shavings of unicorn testicles over heritage irradiated purified wasp excrement and mouse snot powder, then fired up my WW2 army flamethrower to meld them together. But that's when things went a bit mental,' Paul said.

Unbeknown to him the lethal weapon was set on full power. Immediately a 30-foot jet of white-hot flame shot out, licking across presenter Andi Oliver's bottom and taking at least £250 off the value of her designer jump suit..

Safety officer, Reg Knaphill, who eventually brought the conflagration under control was less than impressed when speaking to reporters.

‘I am sick of it. Heston Blumenthal has a lot to answer for with this pretentious nonsense. What hell's wrong with a good old plate of ham, egg and chips?

Photo by Tali Despins on Unsplash

Timid ketchup maker accused of bottling it

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Man insisting on referring to basic cookery tips as ‘food hacking’

A man is doggedly sticking to his annoying tendency to call anything he does that relates to eating as ‘food hacking’ it has emerged.

Mike McBride, 42, has confirmed that despite having no espionage or computer security background which could explain the use of hacking metaphors, he will carry referring to basic common sense cookery tips as transformative hacks. 

'Hacked the evening meals for me and the missus for the whole week', boasted McBride to workmates. 'Instead of cooking spag bol just for last night, I made some extra, and placed them in Tupperware so we can have some more tonight, or even freeze a few portions. Brilliant.' 

McBride has indicated that this audacious heist of accepted cookery wisdom has been accompanied by further risky hacks, including having a solid breakfast to set him up for the day, and substituting some fruits and nuts into his lunchbox instead of a Mars Bar to 'switch up' his midday meal. 

Details are necessarily sketchy but it is thought, from snatched conversations at the water cooler that Mike is planning a massive ‘life hack’ next, involving going to bed 15 minutes earlier each evening and doing a declutter by taking some rubbish in his garden to the local tip.

Image: Daria-Yakovleva - Pixabay

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