Jeremy Hunt diverts entire GDP into his own constituency

Chancellor Jeremy Hunt introduced a reorganisation of the British economy in Wednesday's budget which involved slashing all spending departments budgets to zero and funnelling the resulting one trillion pounds into the constituency of Godalming and Ash. This will fund a controversial "Vote Conservative and get a hundred million pounds in your back pocket" scheme for the voters of Godalming and the surrounding villages.

Mr Hunt denied any suggestion of Gerrymandering: "It's pure chance that the finances ended up like this. I didn't even know it was my constituency until it was pointed out by my wife, Lucia, that it's where I live."

According to pollsters Yougov's interviews, the new scheme has affected people's voting intentions as one voter explained; "I certainly plan to tell him I voted for Conservative and claim the money. Obviously, I'll actually vote LibDem." confirmed Mrs L. Hunt of Godalming.

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Plan for housing crisis found

Tories to abandon “geographical constituencies”

The Conservative government, just possibly with this year’s general election in mind, has announced the end of the “geographical constituencies” that have formed the basis of British elections for the last 350 years.

“There’s really no logic to lumping people together just because they live in the same place,” said the head of the constitutional working group, Mr G Mander. “It makes more sense to look at how people have voted in the past, and group them on that basis.”

Asked how this would work, Mander said that groups of people who vote Tory would be called things like “Buckinghamshire, Oxfordshire and Berkshire - just as they are at the moment.

”And of course, there’d be Labour constituencies too. Well, a Labour constituency anyway. We’d call it something like ‘Ghastlyplebshire’, and it would be made up of benefit scroungers… sorry, Labour voters wherever they happen to live.

“And let’s be honest, we Tories wouldn’t have a hope in hell of winning it. No siree. Shame, but we’ll just have to make that sacrifice for the greater good.”

Asked whether this wasn’t just a way to maintain power by putting all the Labour votes in a single constituency, so Labour only ever has one MP, Mander replied “That’s an extremely serious allegation, and deserves to referred to the Electoral Commission. Just give us a couple of weeks to appoint someone we like to run it.”

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