Assisted Suicide to be combined with Epstein Witness List

A Minister explained that this was a clear cost saving: 'Rather than an expensive termination, we will outsource the work to the security services. They've an established track record of providing quick and painless deaths – look what they did to the BBC's reputation.'

He allayed concerns that the NHS would be replaced by an American provider such as the CIA, insisting the whole operation would be British – a cross between James Bond and Harold Shipman. 'It also injects a sense of surprise to your ending. You might be dying of cancer, but MI5 could make it look like a mysterious car accident or that you were bitten by a exotic snake. You'll get an untraceable death and beforehand you'll get to sleep with a Royal of your choice. What's not to like?'

While there is a waiting list for the new service, he said patients could get fast-tracked: 'Just by hinting that Bill Gates had grabbed their boob.'

Image: Teslariu Mihai (@mihaiteslariu0) | Unsplash Photo Community

Trump to release evidence of Flat Earth

The President has said he will also release clear evidence that the CIA killed JFK, MLK and the BBC. Opening these secret files will answer many mysteries, for instance did giants build the pyramids, was Jesus gay and who keeps commissioning Mrs Brown's Boys?

The JFK files alone have managed to place Lee Harvey Oswald in the book depository, next to his fellow conspirator Lord Lucan. Said an aide: 'We all know aliens abducted Madeleine McCann and that the Illuminati wrote all of Shakespeare's plays. But these files have also proven that the Moon Landings were fake, as no such Moon exists!'

In separate news Trump is under pressure to release the final books of Game of Thrones, which are under a 60 year embargo.

Image: ottielie - Pixabay

Altar stones were floated to Stonehenge, claims anti-vaxxer

With news that the Altar Stones, previously believed to have originated 'just across the border' in mid Wales have actually come from North East Scotland, many archaeologists are trying to work out how the stones, weighing several tonnes, were transported. Brendan, an ardent anti-vaxxer, believes he knows how they did it.

'For starters they didn't weight several tonnes back then,' he said today, 'the metric system is a false way of measuring stuff like large stones and didn't exist back then. The Neolithics didn't even have pounds and ounces and weren't taken in by 'weighist' propaganda,' he insisted.

'Also, although the route looks difficult, taking in the Grampian Hills and the Pennines it is worth noting there aren't any maps from that period showing the existence of these hills. It's clearly a conspiracy by the Ordnance Survey to make Britain, and by extension the planet, to not look flat,' he insisted.

'But honestly, why would anyone bother carrying the stones that distance when the obviously cyclical nature of sea levels suggests most of what we call the UK was underwater back then - show me a map that contradicts that fact - and the good stone movers merely floated the stones to Wiltshire, dammed the local rivers to raise the water level on the Stonehenge site and floated the stones to the top of the vertical supports. Show me one piece of evidence that contradicts this I say,' he added.

Brendan, who doesn't belief Covid is a thing, that JFK was killed by a lone gunman or that man has set foot on the moon also doesn't believe in Liz Truss. 'No way she was Prime Minister, what kind of fool do you take me for?' he asked.

Image: Wix AI