Planet Neptune ditching blue colour to avoid links to Tories

The planet Neptune is no longer considered blue, mirroring the trend of many formerly safe Tory seats.

One alien, Zuflaxizog, said 'Mrs Zuflaxizog and I were pootling around the outer solar system just the other day. We agreed that Neptune and the UK were a lot more blue in the 1980s but that was a false colour.'

'Did you know that Neptune and Jacob Rees-Mogg were both discovered in 1846? And Jeremy Hunt is actually 3 Neptunians sitting on each others shoulders, squelching around inside a fleshy suit - that's why he always has that weird smile. With an average temperature of around -200°C, both Neptune and Rishi Sunak's heart are cold, dark, and desolate worlds.'

Image: WikiImages - Pixabay

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Conservative Ministers must now be kept under strict control

Tory MPs in England and Wales must be kept on a lead and muzzled in public now that a new law has come into effect:

Breeding, selling or abandoning them is also illegal as of New Year's Eve.

Voters who want to keep their Conservative MPs have until the next election to apply to do so before an outright ban comes into effect.

The curbs follow a number of attacks on society, but campaigners insist banning is not the answer.

The government said it had met a pledge to take "quick and decisive action" following a series of attacks, with one woman losing her job after just 49 days

The new guidance does not apply to Northern Ireland or Scotland because the breed does not thrive there.

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Tory manifesto balance between destroying business, NHS and planet

Senior Conservative planners say the party's manifesto for the next election is a delicate balance between destroying business with Brexit, destroying the NHS and polluting the planet to death.

'It's a real dilemma that we have to solve,' explained Alexander Grayling-Farquar-Farquar. 'If we destroy the NHS it can be sold to big business, but that's the same big business we're hoping to destroy with Brexit. Coupled with that, we've the balance between destroying the planet and short term electoral gain. Actually, when you put it like that, there's only one option.'