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Laura Kuenssberg accused of being too lenient on Labour

Conservative MPs past and present have rounded on the BBCs political correspondent who they believe has been treating Labour too lightly lately.


'She didn't press the Prime Minister on how many after dinner mints he was given at the last meal he had,' said one Tory MP.  'Sure, she mentioned he'd had some football tickets to matches he'd already paid to see, but she didn't ask if he paid for the programme,' he thundered while denying his own paid-for attendance at a Premier League team for the last four seasons was grift but instead was 'research into the sporting opportunities for constituents' admitting that the team in question was one hundred miles from his constituency.


'She didn't go in hard enough over that caravan holiday in West Wales,' shouted another MP, who denied his fully paid-for holidays in Mustique with all food and drink thrown in was comparable.  'I was effectively trapped on the island every bloody time they sent me there - Starmer could have just hitched the caravan up and gone to a different location any time he wanted,' he alleged.  'And did he pay for the towing bracket?  She didn't ask that either,' he said.


A BBC spokesman denied Ms Kuenssberg was going soft on Labour after fourteen years of slapping Conservative MPs on the back and publicly bigging them up.  'Someone had to boost their ego, otherwise they would have been left with only the Daily Mail, The Sun, GB News and Talk TV,' he said.


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List of projects Reeves will axe to plug budget black hole announced

The chancellor is set to announce immediate cuts worth billions of pounds, aimed at plugging a £20bn black hole in the finances, when she addresses Parliament on Monday. These include:


1. The Eton Mess Memorial Museum, set up by the Conservatives to celebrate the country's favourite dessert.


2. The Tunnel under Boris Johnson, planned to relieve pressure on the National Monument, is one of the infrastructure projects that could be halted to save money.


3. The Rwanda Migration scheme could be adapted to send Tory MPs who lost their seats for a few weeks break on Michelle Mone's Mediterranean yacht before they have to find new jobs.


4. Rishi Sunak's swimming pool will be turned into a new reservoir to provide clean drinking water to the whole country.


The Conservative Party said the state of the public finances was clear before the election. This is at least one thing on which everyone agrees.


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Cuts to 252 Tory MPs was only austerity Britain needed

Ousting 252 Conservative MPs from their positions was the only economic cut Britain needed to make.


Productivity is up immediately due to layabout Rees-Moggs now being required to 'work' from home. And without Thick Lizzy tapping off from the collective whiskey jar for herself, there are suddenly pretty pennies for every Jenny.


'Funding four Grant Shapps was a major drain to the UK economy,' said Professor Lisa Day from the Institute of Economic Monogamy. 'It seems like such an obvious cut to make now. And parliamentary tractor porn costs are right down. The only sector where I'm still hesitant to be optimistic is the Matt Hancock pub landlord industry. I don't know how it's going to survive without VIP lane assistance from the taxpayer.'


'To boost growth, I would recommend a further reduction of Sunaks. And to properly fund the NHS? A good seeing to of sloppy, wet Hunts.'




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