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"We always said the Tories were vile and callous," said the Labour Party's chief economic strategist, "but we never thought they would stoop this low.
"When Rachel Reeves and I were together at the London Playschool of Economics, the classroom assistants would tell us tales of an economic growth lever which stood in the enchanted garden behind Number 11, Downing Street.
"They said that anyone who pulled it during a recession, and tapped their heels together thrice, could start a boom which would make every business in the UK a world-beater, and every citizen as rich a wealthy and contented homeowner.
"Imagine our horror! Once we'd freed the land of 14 years of Tory rule and entered the chancellor's residence, we poked around in the shrubbery but could find no trace of it.
"We can only imagine that the evil Conservatives have squirrelled away the growth lever in their lair in Matthew Parker Street. Even worse, they never pulled the growth lever themselves - undoubtedly because they've always wanted the UK to be poor and bankrupt.
"Rachel told her fellow elves in cabinet that she would be confronting the Tories with their rotten deeds in the Commons. However, Prime Goblin Starmer told her she needed to keep really quiet about magic levers and enchanted gardens in public, for fear it would make Labour look even dafter than it did already."
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In a surprise announcement today a spokesperson for the Queen admitted she responded to the BYOB email sent from Downing Street on the eve of Prince Philip's funeral. 'To be honest, all One wanted to do was get shit-faced,' said the statement. 'One's courtiers were keeping a distance, several were in isolation and one, who has since been dismissed, was on a ventilator without permission. One had a tough gig in the morning in Westminster Abbey and the invite came at the right time'.
'One searched the Royal fridge for some Stella or Sambuca. It seemed Philip polished off the Stella before going downhill and One hadn't been to Asda to replenish. Unfortunately there was only a third of a bottle of Sambuca left and One polished it off before One's Uber arrived, so One arrived at Downing Street empty handed. One's bad. Anyway One found that the Downing Street crew had popped to Bargain Booze with a suitcase so One didn't need to bring anything after all.
'Long story short, One was left hanging off the Downing Street railings at five in the morning, cue return Uber, home, shit and shower and then One sat in a quiet dark spot in Westminster Abbey on One's own. To be fair, One needed the peace and quiet.
First published 16 Jan 2022
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