Hancock leaks photo to keep job

Ill-Health Secretary Matt Hancock has sneakily leaked a photo of himself snogging a girl. Eugh. An actual girl. "I didn't really want to, but the big boys told me to do it. Shhhh, don't tell anyone, but I hope Boris sees it because then he might let me stay and play."

Prime Minister Boris Johnsonthing responded, "I said that Mr. Hopelessfucker was in want of damn good sacking, not a damn good shagging. Why do people always mishear and misunderstand what I say? Now, my perfect Sunday is when I pop round to Gyles Brandreth's house and he shows me his collection of teddies. Hoy, did I say perfect Sunday? No that would be a terrible nightmare of a Sunday. We all have our cross toy bear. No, but I would though. And he has a marvellous collection of swine corpses as well. Obviously, I didn't say swine corpses, I said decapitated voters. Think I might shag Hancock later. Or maybe I'll sack him? One or the other. Or maybe neither. What pandemic? Now where's my toy bus that I made?"

Stepping in to clarify, Secretary for Something or Other Liz Truss confirmed, "No Conservative Party rules have been broken. Fuck an aide, and you're a player. Fuck an entire country and they give you a Lordship. That's the way we roll. That's the way we've always rolled. Now that's how you open up a pork market. Boom! Truss out."

An official statement from Downing Street said the Prime Minister has accepted Matt Hancock’s apology for breaching social distancing guidelines and "considers the matter just about sleazy enough."

Tory planning system change will lead to new homes in flood zones

A radical blueprint put forward as a "once-in-a-generation reform" from the government has the aim of sweeping away "slow and complex" planning laws.

The shake-up, a central part of the prime minister's "build, build, build" agenda, includes automatic planning approval for new homes on land earmarked for growth, however low-lying. The revolution is published in a government consultation paper, Planning For The Future, pushed by Housing Secretary Robert Jenrick just weeks after he became embroiled in a planning row.

The changes come after record donations from housebuilders to Conservative Party funds. House building companies wil make up a large portion of the representatives on the planning boards. There are no plans to include climate scientists in those decisions.

A spokesman for a green campaign group said "We fear the plans will lead to new builds that have to be abandoned in just a few decades due to sea level rise. Some of the likely build zones are in extremely dangerous coastal areas, like for example Norfolk or London."

The Labour Party have said they intend to sink this bill at the earliest opportunity.

Tories arrange spy swap – Bercow for Starmer

In a tense standoff at a Berlin bridge, John Bercow was finally brought in from the cold and allowed to join the natural home of reactionaries – the Parliamentary Labour Party. In exchange, agent Keir ‘Starmer’ Keithlovich was returned to the Conservative Party, having completed his mission to destroy left wing politics.

The swap itself had many similarities to John le Carré fictionalized book ‘Stinker Starmer Dozy Spy’. Both men had been sleeper agents, with Bercow hiding his intentions for years and Starmer just sleeping through the last two.

Explained one of Starmer’s handlers: ‘Obviously we needed to make it a fair swap, after all Keithlovich was Leader of the Opposition. So, they got Bercow and we an extra one hundred million Rubles and our promise not to let Starmer near any of their by-elections again.’

A friend of Bercow said: ‘John will have to adjust from having lived in an oppressive Tory regime. Gone will be the enforced junkets, banquets and bribes. Instead. he’ll get to enjoy the true taste of left wing freedom, which is angry Twitter accounts, regional accents and people accusing you of being a Tory, with no sense of irony’.