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Writer's pictureChrisF
Dec 18, 2021

Actual bloody nose would be more satisfying, say voters


The metaphorical bloody nose delivered to the PM through the by-election defeat in North Shropshire is ok as far it goes, but an actual one would be 10 times more satisfying confirmed voters today.


'All the journalists this morning have been saying that a clear message has been delivered about Tory parties and double standards through the ballot box', said Mike Dwyer, 45, from Oswestry, who stayed at home throughout Christmas last yeatr, seeing none of his family. 'But I feel that being able to stand right in front of the PM and tell him what a total cockwomble he is would be an even clearer signal, to be honest'.


'Is it possible to set up some kind of stocks or fairground attraction, where bloody noses could be administered in person? Could that be a thing', asked Nicky Jones, 32. 'After the shitshow that he has led over the last 2 years, I think there'd be quite some interest'.


'I'd love to do a big run up, rolling my sleeves up and mimicking that really annoying way he goes to do an elbow bump with people, before landing one square on his squidgy snout', continued Jones. 'Maybe £5 a go, with money going towards the NHS. I'm sure it would reach Johnson's £350 million a day target in a matter of hours.'





Writer's pictureDoctor Chutney
Dec 13, 2021

Tories drop the word Party from their name


After a meeting of its main executive, the Conservative and Unionist Party has today hurriedly changed its name to the Conservative and Unionist Organization That Coordinates Candidates to Compete in UK Elections.


Chairman, Oliver Dowden, admitted the although the new title was wordy it was more worthy than the now deprecated term Party, which has become tainted with rule breaking and unlawfulness.


He told us the Conservatives were clearly ahead of the game on this and the opposition groups were all corrupted by association.


“Amazing how dropping that word from our title has breathed fresh life into our Organisation.” He told us. “This definitely calls for a celebration. Let’s have a festive, social gathering, with copious amounts of cheese and wine.”






Writer's pictureOshaughnessy
Nov 25, 2021

Boris says people will have to sell their own grandmothers to pay for social care



Whether people live in Kensington (average grandmother price £1.2m) or Scumton in the north (average grandmother price £3.99), they'll all have to flog off their elderly relatives, announced Prime Minister and part-time note shuffler, Boris Johnson. In a keynote speech where he lost all the keynotes, Mr Johnson said that social care was jolly expensive.


"For example, it's almost as expensive as the Aston Martin that daddies next-door neighbour drives. That‘s hardly fair or equitable is it? Spending £300,000 spoon-feeding the nation's

old bats is not sustainable.


So everyone must sell their own grandmother's to pay for all this nonsense, and I'm asking the treasury to look into making them selling the dead ones as well. They must be worth a few quid, after all."






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