top of page
Search

Predictable local government election results



As the local government elections approach, the outcome of which which had been considered uncertain, has now suddenly become much more predictable.


With Labour currently almost as unpopular as the Tories were before the last general election, no-one was going to vote for them or the Tories, and no-one knew how the re-allocated votes were likely to be re-distributed among the rag-bag of various 'also-ran' parties,


These include Scots Gnats, Reform, New Reform, Real Reform, the Original Reform, Continuity Reform, Reformed Reform, Reform II, the Return of Reform (that's a separate party for each of their current MPs), the Democratic Liberal (or whatever they're called nowadays) party, the Monster Raving Loony Party, the Mildly Deranged Loony Party, the More Moderately-Sized Loony Party, the Green Party, the Light Green Party, the Dark Green Party, the British Racing Green Party, the Pink Party, the Spotted Party, the Striped Party and the British National We're-Not-Fascists, We-Just-Hate-Everyone party.


However, things are much clearer now, following the recent establishment of two new parties, which are likely to sweep up most of the votes.  These are the None-of-the-Above Party, and the We're-not-the-Tories-and-neither-are-we-the-Labour-Party-Either Party.  The only remaining uncertainty is which of these will massacre the other.




Definitely not Nimbys says Tory Mayor



With Labour’s new housing targets looming over them, a Tory controlled council has gone into panic mode with the thought of their beautiful country town being overrun with peasants. Justin Case, the Tory Mayor told reporters, Our Town has remained untouched, unsullied for many years thanks to the massively high house prices and a hugely snobbish population and we need to keep it that way.


According to a secret report commissioned by the council, implementing Labour’s plan would involve a huge influx of very unpleasant people, none of whom even have of heard of Light Opera and would probably think The Pirates of Penzance was Johnny Depp’s latest film.


The report says, what these people want, is what they call Chippys, McDonalds Burgers, Betting shops and Pawnbrokers. It insists that with all the additional traffic from the intruders would result in doubling the ten minutes it currently takes to drive to the Golf course and is likely to result in a Nit Infestation in our local schools.


Matilda Shagweed whose family have lived in the town since they invested heavily in Thames Water insists that the townsfolk have nothing against the lower classes, but object to actually living with them. She believes the current system, based on the highly successful Johannesburg Soweto model already works exceedingly well. Help is bussed in, they do their hours and then thankfully go back to their own homes, where ever that is, at the end of the day. She said her Cook who lives a respectful twenty miles away ,has been with her for five years and besides some minor pilfering from the pantry has worked out very well.


The Mayor explained that Labour supporters, who He has publicly labelled as Russian backed Marxists, have put forward suggestions for social housing schemes to be built on what currently are a  disused brickworks and a former cement factory. Luckily, this is already designated as Green Belt Land and the council are currently in talks with Natural England to have both sites designated as Areas of Natural Beauty.


The mayor totally rejects the charge that they are acting like Nimbys, insisting that they are acting purely in defence of the countryside and that no true Englishman wants to look out of his conservatory window to see houses built with tax payers’ money while the value of his own home decreases hour by hour.


To prove their point the Tory council, again after careful consideration, have suggested areas far more suited to the Labour government’s plan, one in Scotland and one in Wales.




Frozen pensioners to be cryogenically preserved



The government has offered new hope to elderly people found dead in their Arctically-heated flats. Labour promises to keep them frozen until such time as they can be revived and resume their lives in a world where climate change has made winter a thing of the past.


'Pensioners should see this as an opportunity. Many are living in conditions ideal for sub-zero preservation', says a government spokesperson. 'From there they can be moved to a cryogenic storage facility to free up space for new tenants'. People going blue with the cold can take comfort in the fact that it could be the first step to a new life in the 22nd century.


However, Tory critics are acccusing the government of 'stockpiling future Labour voters' at taxpayers' expense. Meanwhile, Jacob Rees-Mogg opposes the measure: 'I know what it's like to wake up in the wrong century and I wouldn't wish it on anybody'.


Image: WixAI

bottom of page