Man wins damages from shopping centre

Colin Fuddy, 54, from Tring, has won £90k damages from the Shady Trees Designer Outlet, an out-of-town retail shopping experience.  The case is a landmark in British legal history, and looks likely to change the face of shopping centres across the country.

The judge awarded damages after Colin proved that the Outlet had a damaging effect on men. Colin cited evidence from academic research showing that a man’s life is shortened by 7 minutes and 4 seconds for every hour spent in a shopping centre. 

Why is this 'retail experience' boring?   It is because the vast majority of the shops in the Outlet sell women's dresses, frocks, shoes, sandals, high heels, perfume, jewellery, dresses, diet pills, health food and dresses, and frocks. The only men's clothing is targeted at the under-25s and those who aspire to be under 25 again. Replica football shirts in sizes 2XL and above are never in stock.

The newsagent at Shady Trees closed years ago, so that bored men can no longer buy madly overpriced felt tip pens, or read magazines without having to buy them.  The gadget shops have closed and moved online.  The food outlets only serve girlie coffees and cakes, and tea is only available in tiny cups.  A man size helping of tea therefore requires the purchase of four tiny drinks at a total cost of £15.80. And the only place you can drink your take-away tea is next to the haven of calm and relaxation that is the toddlers ball pit.

Even the toilets are stressful. The male toilets only have two urinals, so you often have to stand right next to someone else and do relaxation exercises before you can let go.

So there is nothing for men to do while their wives and daughters shop. Women can effortlessly spend all day in the mall, living their best lives and having a great time.  For the accompanying men, there is no telling how long the shopping trip will last, and there is always the risk of an all-nighter, after a shopping centre lock-in.   Any men foolish enough to get involved in a trip to Shady Trees can, at best, look forward to paying for an expensive lunch, in a chain restaurant like Frankie and Jerry's, or the No.1 Authentic Bondi Beach Pizza Company.

Colin says that shopping centres must, in future, have regard to men's mental health and well-being and must make reasonable adjustments for men, in order to avoid further legal claims.  

Colin plans to spend his damages on his N-gauge model railway, and football memorabilia.

Picture credit: Wix AI

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Isle of Wight also demands compensation for HS2

The Plaid Cymru election manifesto argues that Wales should get £4bn compensation for HS2. This is despite the fact that no houses in Wales have been knocked down, no tunnels built, and no sheep disturbed. But Plaid Cymru clearly feel that they have a case.

This has emboldened the Isle of Wight Independence Party to argue along similar lines and make rail improvements part of its platform.

Colin Card, 63, says that there is an ‘obvious’ case for investment in the railway line that runs between Ryde Pier Head and Shanklin. Colin says that a feasibility study, conducted by Norman from the model railway club, shows that the current 28 minute journey time could easily be cut to 23 minutes. The economic benefits are therefore huge, because a massive amount of productive time will be released. 'HS2 only cut 10 minutes off the journey from London to Birmingham,' says Colin, 'so our plans knock that into a cocked hat.'

Colin also says that there is also a good economic case for integrating services between Smallbrook Junction and Wootton, currently served by a heritage railway. And there is also a strong case (Norman again) for extending the existing railway from Shanklin to Ventnor, as travellers to Ventnor must currently complete their journey from Shanklin station by bus. In their wilder moments, Colin and Norman dream of a circular railway line running round the whole island. And some trains, obviously.

The islanders will be tracking the Plaid Cymru case very closely. If Wales is successful, then there should be no barrier to funding for the Isle of Wight. £4bn would be just the ticket.

Image: Bucarama-TLM - Pixabay